Joke Of The Day

[gpick24]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the Bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.


"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."


"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "And will you be working on the house again next week?"

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

.




"I think so. Provided those wan * ers at Jewson's deliver the fu *king bricks."

[Accyexplorer]

THE TEXT MESSAGE

Today I reciecved a text,it's said:-

"Hi Jason, This is Bob from next door.
I’m sorry about this old chap, but I have a confession to make.
I've been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but at least I'm telling now.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
The temptation was just too much,I hope you will accept my apologies.
I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Bob."

MY REACTION:
Feeling insulted and betrayed I went round and knocked Bob out,arriving home i poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to wait for the police.
I took out my phone where I saw i had a subsequent message from my neighbour,Bob.

THE SECOND MESSAGE:
"Hi Jason,it's Bob again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text.
I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’.
Technology hey?!?
Hope you saw the funny side mate.
Regards,Bob."

[Accyexplorer]

I left the car in the Arndake car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details....

....Well, I'm not.

[gpick24]

I`ve just had some bad news, after several trips to the docs and many tests I`ve just found out the wife is allergic to dogs. I know this isn`t a rehoming site but would prefer somewhere local so I thought I would try on here first. Anyway, her name is Susan, a pretty good cook and her favourite hobby is cleaning the house, she`s pretty good at ironing too.
Open to offers.

[yerself]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to Sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson,look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of little stars."

"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is a approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you're a dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

[Accyexplorer]

I was talking to our pegs nephew on the phone the other day he said "I don't know why folk are getting so worked up about immigration"

He said "my neighbours are English,all the kids in the local school are English,the local shops are run by English folk"....


....he's loving it in Spain.

[flashman]

VINCENT VAN GOGH'S FAMILY TREE...
His dizzy aunt ------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------ Gotta Gogh
... The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ------------ Where-Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -----Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -----Wells-Far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------ Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle --------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ------ Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!

[Accyexplorer]

Me and my scouser mate go into Greggs.
My mate being a typical scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then when outside boasts to me, "Did you see that? The staff never even seeb me."
I say, "That's nowt mate, watch this."

i walk back into the shop and ask for the manager, I say,"give us a pie and I'll show thee some magic," and proceed to eat the pie in front of him, and then I do it twice more.

The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?"

I say, "Go and check my mates pockets."

[DaveinGermany]

Originally Posted by Accyexplorer

My mate being a typical scouser nicks 3 pies

Scandalous, libellous, anti Scouser propaganda! I'll see you in court mate!
How dare you, it should be a capital "S"

[Barrie Yates]

You are driving down Route 66 in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.


However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings

[Accyexplorer]

I went to see my Doctor last week I told him I have a problem with flatulence,I told him "it really doesn't bother me too much as they never smell and they're always silent".
"As a matter of fact" I said, "I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office and you didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent"

The doctor said, "I see,Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

Well,it's been a week and I returned "Doctor," I siad, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[dotti34]

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

[Accyexplorer]

I went to see the doctor the other day and said, 'Doc, I think I'm going senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip my flies up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip them down.'

[Barrie Yates]

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.


A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.


"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."


The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.


One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"


Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of parliament.

[Barrie Yates]

When I was a kid I was made to walk the plank!

We couldn't afford a dog