Joke Of The Day

[dotti34]

A man who had been stranded on a desert island for 10 years all alone sees an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer he rules out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly emerging from the surf walking towards him comes a drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years,” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He takes a long drag and says, “Man oh man. This is good.”

She then asks him, “How long has it been since you had a sip of bourbon?” Trembling, he replies “Ten years.” She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “This is absolutely fantastic.”

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit, looks at the man seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Oh my God. Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there.”

[boxermum]

My grandson told me this yesterday😄😄😄
Murphy and Paddy were walking through the local cemetery reading the headstones
"Will ye look at this Paddy, there's one chap here was 152 !" says Murphy.
"What's his name" asks Paddy.
"Miles, from London "Murphy answers.

[flashman]

Two nice old ladies were walking down the street when a man walking towards them opened his coat and flashed them.

One of the ladies had a stroke but the other one couldn't reach.

[Less]

Originally Posted by flashman

Two nice old ladies were walking down the street when a man walking towards them opened his coat and flashed them.

One of the ladies had a stroke but the other one couldn't reach.

What would have happened to him if they hadn't been 'nice' old ladies?

[Aussie Irene]

THE PERFECT ANSWER

"I can't believe you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," screamed his wife.
"I'm really disappointed."

"You can hardly blame me," he answered, "It's not like i was getting any from you."

"Well that's your fault," she replied. "You never told me you were willing to pay for it."

[Big Joe]

An MP up for election is about to knock at the door of a house when it is opened by a small boy aged 5.
MP Hello little boy can I speak to your daddy.
Boy replies in a whispered voice. No he's busy with the Policewoman
MP can I speak to your mummy then.
Boy whispers. No she's busy with the priest.
MP Oh what about an elder brother or sister
Boy whispers no they are busy talking to the fireman and the man from the ambulance
MP Oh what about an aunt or uncle
Boy whispers they are both busy talking to the man off the telly
Oh my says the MP this sounds terrible is everything ok
The little boy leans forward and whispers everythings fine but everyones busy
MP What are they all doing that is so important that they leave you to answer the door
The little boys leans forward and whispers "They are looking for me!

[dotti34]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying rat! You've been playing golf!'

[dotti34]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his
wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou
written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a
good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching the football on TV when she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron
skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'

She replied.......’Your horse just phoned'

[dotti34]

Stan has a petrol station in Medina and was trying to increase sales.
So he put up a sign that read “Free Sex With Every Fill-up”
Soon Kev pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex – Stan told him
to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex – Kev guessed 8 and Van said
“You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time”
A week later, Kev along with his buddy Frank, pulled in for another fill-up

Again he asked for his free sex. Stan again asked him to guess the correct number.
He guessed 2 this time. Van said “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time”.

As they were driving away, Kev said to his buddy “I think that game is rigged,
and he doesn’t really give away free sex”

Frank replied “No it is not rigged. My wife won twice last week “

[dotti34]

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny
little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.
The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and
tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny
guy. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head
lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on
the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you
learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure......That's what they call it now!"

[Margaret Pilkington]

Three men die and go to Heaven.
St Peter is at the gate with his large ledger....he checks their names off, one by one.
He lets them through the gate and tells them that there are a lot of ducks in heaven.....and the only rule is that they must not stand on a duck....he said if they did then the consequences would be severe.

After two weeks one of the chaps stands on a duck.
Within minutes St Peter was seen striding towards him....followed by the ugliest woman the man had ever seen.
St Peter tells the man that his punishment for this crime was to be attached to this ugly woman for all eternity.

Another couple of weeks go by and the second man steps on a duck.
St Peter turns up followed by an even uglier woman....he tells the man that he is to be saddled with the ugly woman for all eternity.

The third man was feeling very superior....more so when St Peter headed in his direction, this time followed by a beautiful woman, long blonde hair, stacked just right and attached this woman to the man.
He could not believe his luck.
He turned to the woman and said to her 'Well, I don't know what I have done to deserve this'
The woman looked him up and down and said 'I do....I stood on a duck!'

[Margaret Pilkington]

A woman went to Italy on a two week training course.
Her husband dropped her off at the airport and wished her a good trip.
His wife asked if there was anything he would like bringing back.
'Yes' he said 'a beautiful Italian girl'.

The two weeks passed and he went back to the airport to pick up his wife.

They hugged and he said 'did you get me my gift?'

'what gift was that?' she asked.
'The beautiful italian girl'
'Oh THAT gift......yes..... but now we have to wait nine months to see if it is a boy or a girl'

[dotti34]

The first surgeon says, "I like to see electricians on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is colour coded."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try librarians! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think accountants are the best;
everything inside them is numbered."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[Margaret Pilkington]

Ooh Dorothy, I love that one.

[taddy]

Ha Ha, As Frank Carson used to say Dorothy, it's the way I tell em.