Joke Of The Day

[Margaret Pilkington]

A woman was having problems with her computer.
She tried everything she knew, but all failed.
She sat there wondering what to do.
Suddenly it came to her, she would ask Jake, her next door neighbours eleven year old.

He came in pressed a few keys and Hey Presto it was fixed.

'What was the problem?' The woman asked.
' oh it was just a simple ID ten T error' he said

ID10T!

[dotti34]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday …….but I fish on Fridays"

[dotti34]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

He says, "John, I have some good news and some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.
I think she could be right."

John replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now that I know that I can handle the bad news,
you mind telling me what it is?"

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[dotti34]

The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe.
One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents.
Dad: How's your life going, son?

Son: It's going well, dad.
Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.
Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful,
the people are nice and I really like it here.

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.
Son: Dad, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Dad: My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you 15 million euro
this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.

[dotti34]

Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

Husband texts back:
"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER
THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH
HAMMER"

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"NEED NEW LAPTOP ~ NOTHING WORKS ON IT NOW”!

[dotti34]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

[dotti34]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

[dotti34]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter — ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands

[dotti34]

In January, while crossing a border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by Paul, a security guard, who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," replied the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again Paul the security guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand.
This went on every week for months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it?"

"Bicycles."

[dotti34]

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped. The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The Best Men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward?
What do you have to say?” There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear you at the back of the church"

[dotti34]

So, this bloke with a facial tic which caused him to constantly wink applied for a position as a sales rep for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best university with honours, your references are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, as a sales representative is a highly visible position, we're afraid that your constant winking will confuse or scare off customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

"Wait," said the applicant. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the bloke reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out dozens of packs of all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms; at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He opens it, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," "that's all well and good” the interviewer says “but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees damaging our reputation by womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" .

[dotti34]

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit
down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start
to say something, his wife would say, "... And what's that
supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born

[dotti34]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that
you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one
condition..."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and
slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

[Restless]

What do you call a Nun in a Wheelchair?




Virgin Mobile

[DaveinGermany]

Originally Posted by Restless

What do you call a Nun in a Wheelchair?




Virgin Mobile

Ooh Ouch!