Joke Of The Day

[Margaret Pilkington]

Originally Posted by Stevie R

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £50 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . .
'zat is ze....
Four-sprung Duck technique'

Now I have to go and change my keks.....I laughed so much the tears ran down my legs.

[Margaret Pilkington]

Border police have just seized two tons of toilet rolls hidden in cocaine.

[Margaret Pilkington]

If you get an e-mail with the subject 'Knock, Knock'.
Don't open it....it's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.
(Sorry.... I'll get my coat)

[dotti34]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and
said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours
for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived
on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow
to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they
all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same
offer that was made to the cat.

"Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and
even people with brooms!" said the mice. "If we could just have some little
roller skates, we would not have to run again."
"Done," said God All the mice had beautiful little roller
skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. She was
lounging on her fluffy pillow. "Is everything okay? How have you been doing?
Are you happy?"
"Oh, it is wonderful," said the cat. "I have never been so happy
in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and the Meals on Wheels was a nice
touch."

[dotti34]

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

[Margaret Pilkington]

Ran out of toilet paper today.
Having to use lettuce leaves....today was just the tip of the iceberg.
Tomorrow....well, that Romaines to be seen.

OK...I'll get my coat.

[dotti34]

Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can't fly

[dotti34]

When I was applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked,
“Do you have a criminal record?”
I said,
“No. Is that still required?”

[dotti34]

Shaun walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Shaun said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Shaun what he had ….
Shaun said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Shaun to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Shaun what he had. Shaun said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Shaun a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Shaun to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Shaun sitting patiently in the nude and asked Shaun what he had. Shaun said, ‘Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Shaun said, 'Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload them

[dotti34]

Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down with Ban On Non-Essential Businesses

[dotti34]

The truth is, it’s not so boring at home. But, it’s interesting that one bag of rice has 7,846 grains and another has 7,237.

[dotti34]

Q: When Donald J Trump was asked what the J stood for?

A: He said “Genius”

[dotti34]

A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Sydney Harbour. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love with her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain said. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Manly Ferry."

[AccyMad]

A U.S. vicar has died after injecting himself with disinfectant - Donald Trump has been arrested & charged with a bleach of the priest

[Stevie R]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant and whilst waiting for their food a woman at a nearby table starts coughing and spluttering and is in real distress.One of the hillbillies says to her `kin ya swallar?`The woman shakes her head,`kin ya breathe?`She shakes her head and starts to turn blue.The hillbilly walks over to the woman,lifts up her dress,yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked she goes into a violent spasm and coughs out the obstruction in her throat.
The hillbilly walks back to his table and his partner says to him,`Ya know, I heerd of that there hind lick manoover,but I never seed anyone do it.`