Joke Of The Day

[dotti34]

Here's a cringeworthy one...even this sort are starting to be amusing:

After finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them
against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever" the woman gasps. "how did you do it?
"Easy," replies the man "these are my khakis"…….

[Margaret Pilkington]

A young woman is perched on the parapet of a bridge over a river....about to jump.
A man approaches and tells her that it is a daft thing to do....that she should not end her life in the water of this dirty river.
He gets the woman to open up and she relates a heart rending life story.
The man then says 'What if i could take you away fro all this?'
the woman then asks how.
He tells her that he is a sailor and he is just about to board his ship for Italy.
He paints a wonderful picture of how her life would be if she went with him on board and set up a new life in a warm country.
The woman asks how this would be posssible.
The chap tells her he will find her a place on board where she will not be found...get food and drink to her and finally when they dock he would smuggle her into Italy.

The woman gets down off the parapet and they go to his ship.
He finds her a cosy cubby hole and tells her she will be safe.
Pretty soon she fells the ship moving.
The chap comes along regularly and gives her food and wine.
Pretty soon they are in a relatiionship.
One day there is much hurrying and scurry ing heard.
By and by the door to the cubby hole opens and there stands the Captain.
He wants to know what the heck she is doing there so the girl relates the story.... and asks how long it will be before they get to Italy.
The Captain laughs and says ' This is the Mersey Ferry...girl you really have been screwed......she nods her head and says Yes he has been doint that too!

[Margaret Pilkington]

I'd been drinking in a bar.....so I thought it would be better to take the bus home.
OK.....no big deal taking the bus home.....well excuse me...it IS if you've not driven a bus before.

[Margaret Pilkington]

I have a fear of giants.

It's called 'fee-fi-phobia

[dotti34]

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up" said Paddy.
"I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the heck did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up.
She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car." said Paddy.
"Good choice too" said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clot

[dotti34]

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That’s very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[dotti34]

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'? The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension’. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.' At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered'

[dotti34]

A man feels really terrible and goes to the doctor. The doctor checks him over thoroughly. ‘Sorry,’ the doctor says, ‘ but I have some bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on Earth.'

So, overcome with fear, the man trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there before, and she wants him to be with her. They arrive at the bingo hall and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too, getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage. ‘Sunshine,‘ the bingo caller says, ‘I've been doing this for 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!’ 'Lucky?' screamed the man 'Lucky? I’ll have you know I've got Yellow 24'. ‘Well, bless my soul, I don’t believe it,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!’

[dotti34]

The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm." The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the King continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey and thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this date.

[cashman]

dolly yeh made me spit me brew out,

[Bob Dobson]

Emperor Haillie Sillassi came to London for a state visit. He was met at Waterloo Station by the Queen and rode with her to Buckingham Palace in an open-top coach. As they were progressing down Pall Mall, one of the horses farted. "I'm terribly sorry about that, Emperor" the Queen said. He replied "That's alright, your majesty. I thought it was one of the horses"

[Margaret Pilkington]

Bob, they say the old ones are the best...that one has whiskers on it, but it is still funny.....and you know what I thought it was TRUE.

[dotti34]

I thought it time we had a laugh, so here goes:

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

That's why we love the Irish.

[dotti34]

A few comments about getting old….

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked – not a pretty sight. So remember…don’t sing!

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And finally, if you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

[dotti34]

I think we all need a bit of a chuckle so here are a few short funnies for bright and funny women to make their day and for bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it….

A couple are lying in bed. The man says ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world’……and the woman replies ‘I’ll miss you’.

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today’ Jack says as he steps out of the shower. ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this’? ‘Probably that I married you for your money’ she replied.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A. It helps them remember which end to wipe.

Q. How do you stop your husband from reading your emails?
A. Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. They are practising to be men.

…and by the way, we are not aging, we are ripening to perfection.
We all know that mirrors don’t lie…I’m just grateful they don’t laugh.