Joke Of The Day

[dotti34]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a raging and violent river. Needing to get to the other side the first man prayed. ‘God, please give me the strength to cross the river’ and poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed ‘God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river’ and poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs, and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing.

Seeing what happened to the first two men the third man prayed ‘God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence, to cross the river’ and poof! he was turned into a woman, she checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream, and walked across the bridge.

Guys, if at first you don’t succeed do it the way your wife told you….

[dotti34]

How To Stop Church Gossip…

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing his truck there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home… and left it there all night.

You gotta love Frank!

[Margaret Pilkington]

Oh Dorothy, what a tonic those last few funnies were.
Now I had better go and hang my knickers on the line....yes they have been washed!

[dotti34]

On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied “Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!”

[dotti34]

After being married for 30 years a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while then said ‘you’re an alphabet wife…A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.

She asked ‘what the heck does that mean?’ and he said ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot’. She smiled happily and said ‘Oh, that’s so lovely but what about I, J, and K?’ He said ‘I’m Just Kidding!’

Memorial service will be held Tuesday afternoon.

[dotti34]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me. He grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry, I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life, and I am a complete failure" I say. “I was late for a meeting so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen. I forgot my wallet in the cab I took home, found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I bought a drink, dropped a capsule in it, and sat here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole bloody thing!”

“But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Bob Dobson]

I once kissed a nun. She said "Bob, you can kiss me once, you can kiss me twice, but you mustn't get into the habit"

[dotti34]

Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old. Since her husband was so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Susan consents. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but, aha you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

[dotti34]

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

[dotti34]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first. "Well" he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb."

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip, "I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible. But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So, I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start…".

[dotti34]

A man was being examined by his doctor. ‘Will I be okay?’ he asked. ‘I doubt it’ replied the doctor ‘Mercury is in Uranus right now’. ‘I don’t do that astrology stuff’ said the patient. ‘Me neither’ said the doc ‘my thermometer just broke’.

[DaveinGermany]

The ESA, launched a rocket to the moon crewed by a Yorkingshireite & a Chimp, the lunar lander was remotely controlled from the space centre in Darmstadt & as the module touched down on the surface, all systems turned green & the "Astronauts" set about their assigned tasks.


The Chimp pressed the big Banana button in front of him & his screen lit up with pictogrammes explaining what his mission was.


Suit up for lunar activities.



Leave module & collect samples.


Return to module & place samples in the onboard analysing machine.


Send results back to earth for evaluation.


So the courageous little Chimp suits up & heads off. Once the Chimp had gone the Yorkingshireite pressed the "John Smiths" shaped button on his instruction screen to recieve his instructions


Make sure the Chimp is fed & comes back safe!

[dotti34]

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Gin Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle gin, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of gin to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Gin again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the gin is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the gin to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Gin, Now sh** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Gin and wipe the counter with the dog

[dotti34]

The circus owner dares anyone in the audience to get in the cage with the lion. Two people volunteer, one is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body, in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."

"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try first?" The gorgeous brunette says "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect, naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

[dotti34]

"Guess what I heard today?" a man says to his wife.
"What, hon?" she asks.
"The mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one."
"Huh," his wife says, "I bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis next-door."