Joke Of The Day

[dotti34]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mother says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mum!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

[dotti34]

A bloke was sent to prison and on the first day he said to his cell-mate “I won't be in here long."

The cell-mate replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."

"Yeah I know, but I think the wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a sentence before."

[dotti34]

THIS WILL BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE.

A touching story on how men think??

As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.

[dotti34]

After retiring, a man went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his Driver’s Licence to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said ‘Unbutton your shirt'. So he opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too”.

[dotti34]

When the lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run the man’s wife kept hinting to him that he should get it fixed. But somehow he always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer.. Always something more important to him.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When he arrived home one day he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a minute, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush. He said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say he will walk again, but he will always have a limp.

[dotti34]

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

[dotti34]

Fifty shades of fishing

Four guys had been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go but what can they do? Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer. "Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting on my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well, she's been reading that book ‘50 Shades of Grey’. On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did and then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!”

[dotti34]

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes”. "I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow animals in the theatre".

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"That's what I thought, too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn."

[taddy]

Saint Peter and Saint Paul are shooting the breeze in their heavenly abode when Saint Peter suggests that they pay a visit to earth, ok I am up for that says Saint Paul. After circling the earth Saint Peter says, "I wonder where we are, to which St Paul sticks his hand through the cloud and announces "we are passing over Italy", "How do you know that", says Saint Peter, "because I have just touched the top of the leaning tower of Pisa" he replied. After flying for another hour or so Saint Peter again asks where they are, St Paul replies after again putting his hand through the clouds that they are passing over London, "how do you know" asks Saint Peter? "because I have just touched the top of Big Ben," Saint Paul replies. After another twenty minutes or so Saint Peter says "ok pal where are we now, after again reaching through the clouds Saint Paul replies that they are passing over Liverpool, Ha Ha says Saint Peter I bet that you have touched the top of the Royal Liver Building, to which Saint Paul answers. "No some Scalliwag his just pinched my watch".

Just for you Dave.

[DaveinGermany]

Originally Posted by taddy

Just for you Dave.

Well thank you Tads ...... I think.

[taddy]

Originally Posted by DaveinGermany

Well thank you Tads ...... I think.

You are very welcome but don't take it to heart old pal.

[Stevie R]

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not? Don’t you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do
WIFE: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, okay, I’d get married again
WIFE: You would? (With a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it’s a great house
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, its almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would you give her my jewelry?
HUSBAND: No, I’m sure she would want her own.
WIFE: Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: Yes, those are always good times.
WIFE: Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she’s left handed.
WIFE: (Silence)
HUSBAND: ****!

[Margaret Pilkington]

a retired midwife died and when she got to the Pearly Gates St Peter asked if there was anything she wished she could do back on earth.
She thought for a moment and said 'Yes...I would like to go back to earth and see how a father would cope with the pain of childbirth.
Quick as a wink she was whisked back to earth.
she found herself in the bedroom of a woman who was obviously in the advanced stages of Labour.
The mother to be looked relaxed and happy...in no pain at all.
Her husband was sat by the window in the room reading the paper.
Elsa asked him how he felt.
'fine came the reply...in fact, never better, but I think someone should call the ambulance for Sam next door...he is rolling round the lawn in agony.

[Margaret Pilkington]

A woman was mad at her husband.
So mad that she packed him a bag and told him to go.
As he was leaving she told him that she hoped he would live in excruciating agony and die a painful death.
To which he replied 'So...you want me to stay then'

[Margaret Pilkington]

a cat dies and goes to heaven.
He is met by God who bends down to stroke the cat.
'How 're you doing little fella' God asks.
'Well' said the cat...'all of my life on earth I lived on farms...slept on hard barn floors.
It was not the best'

'say no more' said God tapping the side of his nose.
A fluffy pillow appears out of nowhere...and the cat settles down to a luxury sleep.

A few days later six mice die and arrive in heaven.
God asks them what their lives were like.
The mice tell him 'we were always persecuted. Chased by dogs, women with brooms and cats...well they were the worst'

'Say no more' says God.
The mice look down and they find they all have tiny roller skates.

A few more days pass and God looks in on the cat.

'How are things with you my little friend' asks God.

'absolutely wonderful' says the cat...'Oh yes...and those meals on wheels were simply the best ever!'