Joke Of The Day

[Margaret Pilkington]

A priest dies and goes to heaven.
when he gets to the pearly gates there is a chap in front of him in a loud shirt, beach shorts and sunglasses.
St Peter beckons this chap forward, asks his name to see if he is on the list of admissions.
The man tells him that his name is Jack Salmon and he is retired airline pilot.
St Peter gives him a silken robe and a golden staff and welcomes him.

St Peter the turns his attention to the priest.
Tell me you name so that i can determine whether you can be admitted,
The Priest tells him that he is Father Bob Friedman, a priest of 43 years standing at the Church of St Mary and all Angels.
St Peter beckons him forward and gives him a basic cotton robe and a rough wooden staff.
'Hang on a minute...how come he gets silk and gold and I get cotton and rough wood?'

St Peter says 'well, up here we go by results....in the 43 years that you preached, your congregation slept.....when he flew, all the passengers prayed'

[dotti34]

Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house. Despite her age, she was still a real pistol packin’ mama. However, one day she fell and broke her leg. An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it. When he was done, he warned her, “Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?” Anna nodded, and thought that this sounded reasonable.

A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast. “So, can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady. “Yes,” he replied. “Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!”

[dotti34]

A frog telephones a psychic and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[Margaret Pilkington]

A fairy visits a couple who are in their 60’s.
She says she will grant them both one wish.
The wife wishes for and all inclusive luxury world cruise with her darling husband.
And magically two tickets appear in her hand.
Her husband wishes for a woman thirty years younger to take him on a cruise.

Pffft! Like magic the man is 93 years old…his wish is also granted.

Now for all those selfish husbands out there remember fairies are not only magic, they are female!

[taddy]

Originally Posted by Margaret Pilkington

A fairy visits a couple who are in their 60’s.
She says she will grant them both one wish.
The wife wishes for and all inclusive luxury world cruise with her darling husband.
And magically two tickets appear in her hand.
Her husband wishes for a woman thirty years younger to take him on a cruise.

Pffft! Like magic the man is 93 years old…his wish is also granted.

Now for all those selfish husbands out there remember fairies are not only magic, they are female!

Don't you believe it Marge, if you stand on Blackburn Boulevard any Saturday night after the pubs have shut you will encounter many (male?) Fairies.

[Margaret Pilkington]

Blackburn Boulevard is no longer what it was…not in the social sense anyway…or so I’m told.
Haven’t made any evening visits for a long long time.

[Guinness]

A new 6 floor store has opened.

It sells husbands...the higher the floor the more expensive the husband.

The store has one rule, you can go up but not down the stairs.

Woman goes in...

First floor all the men for sale have jobs... woman thinks ok I'll go up and see whats on offer on the second floor.

Second floor..all the men have jobs and like kids.. woman thinks gotta go higher this is getting good

Third floor..all the men have jobs, like kids and are good looking.. wow thinks the woman I wonder what's upstairs..

Fourth floor..all the men have jobs, like kids, are good looking and help with housework...jeez thinks the woman, I gotta go higher

Fifth floor..all the men have jobs, like kids, are good looking, help with the housework and are thoughtful and romantic...OMG shrieks the woman, I just have to go to the top floor

Sixth floor..a sign says you are the 31,666,535,378 visitor to this floor, there are no men, this floor exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.

Incidentally.....

There is a new wife store next door, the first floor has women that have money, the second floor has women that have money and love sex

the higher floors have never been visited

[dotti34]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While in-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100 the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man totally nude also. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Porsche I gave you, HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat. HE paid for your Football season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your golf trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4. HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues, and because of HIM I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month’.

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?” The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold’.

[dotti34]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book' she replies (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment'.

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[dotti34]

Not sure if this has been on here before, apologies if it has, but here is the real story of the three Bears, this is a far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning ...

Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For crying out loud, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once ....

…..I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!’

[Margaret Pilkington]

No….I do not recall that having been posted before…and I know I ‘liked’ it….but there is no button for ‘love’ it.

[dotti34]

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy". The bull replied, "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings...? They're packed with nutrients". The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon though the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story, Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

[Margaret Pilkington]

Oh that tickled my chuckle muscle Dorothy.

[dotti34]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse , darling". Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

[dotti34]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well" said the pirate "we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” The pirate explained "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.”

"What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate "one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding" said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."