Joke Of The Day - Page 146

Stevie R · 23-08-2022, 20:56

The difference if you marry a Lancashire Lass..

The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a lass from Lancashire. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

dotti34 · 03-09-2022, 07:21

Here's one that might have been 'told' before, apologies if it has.

Elsie and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Elsie: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Elsie I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Elsie: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

dotti34 · 16-09-2022, 03:52

A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angel bikers walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy. They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down.

Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left. One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!"

The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"

dotti34 · 16-09-2022, 03:53

Husband's call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly. However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East”.

Wife's Response: "Who’s Paula?"

Margaret Pilkington · 18-09-2022, 09:59

If you are being chased by a pack of Taxidermists….don’t, whatever you do….play DEAD.

Margaret Pilkington · 18-09-2022, 10:00

I have started a dating site for lonely chickens.
It isn’t my day job…I just do it to make Hens meet!

Ok…I’ll get my coat

dotti34 · 30-09-2022, 01:57

Hello?
‘Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?’ ‘No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul’. After a brief pause, Daddy says, ‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’ ‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now.’

Brief Pause. ‘Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’ ‘Okay Daddy, just a minute.’

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. ‘I did it Daddy.’
‘And what happened honey?’ he asked. ‘Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!’ ‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’ ‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and he isn’t moving either.’

Long Pause.....Longer Pause......Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, ‘Swimming pool? Is this 555-6731?’

dotti34 · 07-10-2022, 06:14

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said. “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?” “All of it” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?” Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?”

“Two and a half carats.”

dotti34 · 14-10-2022, 01:44

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

dotti34 · 14-10-2022, 01:45

Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either' and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.' 'In bed this early, doing what?' 'Getting a second opinion!'

dotti34 · 14-10-2022, 01:46

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. it has water in the carburettor."
Husband: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: " I tell you, the car has water in the carburettor."
Husband : "You don't even know what a carburettor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: " In the swimming pool."

Margaret Pilkington · 14-10-2022, 06:20

Dorothy….thank you for the hearty belly laughs….and before breakfast too!

Guinness · 28-10-2022, 21:26

Just watched an old clip on youtube of Walter Matthau telling this one..

3 old guys sitting in a care home bemoaning their youth.

1st guy says, 'damn I wish I could take a leak like I used to. Every morning I squeeze and strain just to get a bit of a dribble.

2nd guy says 'yeah, I'd love to take a proper plop like I used to. Every morning I squeeze and strain for half an hour just to get a couple of little plips.

3rd guy says 'every morning at 7.30am I take a leak, don't strain or squeeze, it gushes like niagara after a downpour, at 7.35am my backside erupts like Vesuvius without me needing to prompt it at all'

The other two, completely confused, look at him and say 'what the heck are you whining about?'

And the 3rd guy says 'I don't get up until 9.00am'

Margaret Pilkington · 27-11-2022, 09:53

What does a 70 year old man have in common with a Christmas Tree?

The wood is dead and the balls are only for decoration!

Sorry…it made me smile (and right now I don’t have a lot to smile about)

dotti34 · 09-12-2022, 01:17

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.