Joke Of The Day - Page 148

dotti34 · 15-08-2023, 09:13

Apologies if this has been on here before.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went to town with Mum and Dad."
The farmer just stood there, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
the boy says, "I know where the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs.
I’m sorry but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

dotti34 · 18-08-2023, 01:12

Guy arrives home very much the worse for wear. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. "I've been at the opening of the new pub" slurs the hubby "the doors are gold, the bar is all gold, even the urinals are gold”. His wife puts him to bed but can't believe his story so the next day she rings the new pub. "Is it true that the doors are gold and the bar is all gold?”

"Yes madam they're covered in 24ct gold". "And is it true that your urinals are gold?" asks the wife. There is a long pause then she hears the guy at the end of the phone call out "Harry, I've got a lead on who pee’d in your saxophone last night".

taddy · 22-08-2023, 08:29

just heard of a joke told at this years Edinburgh fringe, When women gossip they get called bitchy, when men gossip its called a podcast.

Margaret Pilkington · 22-08-2023, 09:33

Isn’t that a sad indictment of the quality of ‘funnies’ told at the Edinburgh Festival…taken over by the woke ideology?
The really funny comedians cancelled because they do not subscribe to the woke gender issues….those where you can identify as a giraffe if you think you feel like one.

dotti34 · 22-08-2023, 12:02

Margaret I love it. Not the podcast joke which I don't think is at all funny, but your comment about the giraffe. Now that did make me laugh.

Margaret Pilkington · 22-08-2023, 15:52

I feel a bit like a giraffe but Mc Donald’s have taken them off their menu and anyway I would need someone to share it with me and David is off jungle meat.

taddy · 22-08-2023, 17:32

[QUOTE=Margaret Pilkington;1273995]I feel a bit like a giraffe but Mc Donald’s have taken them off their menu and anyway I would need someone to share it with me and David is off jungle meat.

Sorry Marge but that is a bit beyond me, are you saying that Mc-Donald's actually used to serve Giraffe meat, or are you trying to take the Michael out of Taddy ?

Margaret Pilkington · 22-08-2023, 21:02

Oh dear Taddy…now come on…be real.
When I say that I feel like .giraffe….well it has to be a funny.
I am five foot and half an inch…so I would be a pocket giraffe…and as to Maccy D’s…you don’t really think they have ever served giraffe meat do you?
I was being ‘fly’….yanking your chain, pulling your leg.

taddy · 23-08-2023, 08:14

[QUOTE=Margaret Pilkington;1274002]Oh dear Taddy…now come on…be real.
When I say that I feel like .giraffe….well it has to be a funny.
I am five foot and half an inch…so I would be a pocket giraffe…and as to Maccy D’s…you don’t really think they have ever served giraffe meat do you?
I was being ‘fly’….yanking your chain, pulling your leg.

If you had said that you feel like (a) Giraffe and not feel like Giraffe, then maybe I would have twigged but fair play to you for catching me out,

taddy · 23-08-2023, 08:18

Sorry Marge, after reading your post again, you did say feel like a Giraffe, I must get a new pair of glasses

Margaret Pilkington · 23-08-2023, 12:02

Yes Taddy you must...and maybe it is time to get your 'giggle switch' re-calibrated too.
Maybe a jiggle caused your giggle switch to get a bit out of line. (and please do not take that to mean anything a bit lewd...I wasn't referring to a bedroom jiggle, just a bit of a bumpy ride on the bus)

Margaret Pilkington · 23-08-2023, 12:19

Wife asks husband to take a large bag of clothes to the charity shop.
he asks her 'Why don't you just put them in the bin@
Because some poor hungry person might get some use out of them she tells him.
He says to her 'Anyone who fits into your gear isn't poor of hungry'

The man is currently in the local ICU, badly beaten, unconscious and being ventilated.

dotti34 · 24-08-2023, 01:33

The Secret of Life…..

A walker noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up
to her and said 'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What is your secret?'
'I smoke ten cigars a day,' she said. 'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On week-ends I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all.'
'That is absolutely amazing, how old are you?'
'Twenty-four' she replied.

Margaret Pilkington · 24-08-2023, 14:27

a bride gets home from honeymoon and straighaway rings her mother.
The bride is in tears, distraught.

Her mother asks what is wrong.
The bride says the honeymoon hotel was wonderful....with many romantic candle-lit dinners.
The sea was blue the sand was soft and white.That it had been an idyllic hideaway.

'So then what went wrong?' asks the mother.
'Well when we got back in the car to come home, my husband became horrible....using lots of four letter words'.
'Like what? asked the mother.
The bride says 'Work, dust, wash, iron.and cook!...so can I come home?'

Margaret Pilkington · 24-08-2023, 18:12

Harry stumbled home after a stag night...he went upstairs and slid into bed next to his wife.
He closed his eyes and when he opened them he saw a tall man in religious robes stood by the side of the bed.

'Who are you' he asked.
'St Peter' said the man.

'Oh no' said Harry. 'Don't tell me I am dead. I am much too young to die.
please let me go back to my life. I promise I will do anything'.

St Peter looked at him and rubbed his chin. he looked at his clipboard and ran his finger down the list.

'OK' he said 'but you have to go back as either a dog or a chicken'

Harry did not fancy being a dog...being fed dry biscuits...sleeping out on the porch.
'I'll go back as a chicken...how bad can that be?'

St Peter clicked his fingers and Harry landed in the hen coop.
Pretty soon the rooster was cosying up to him. 'I heard there was a new Chick in the coop, that must be you...right?'

The rooster asked Harry if he knew how to lay eggs. Harry shook his head.
The rooster said it was very easy as all the hens did it.

Soon after this Harry felt a pressure in his nethers and had the urge to push...so he did and there was a very large brown egg...no sooner had he parted with that than he felt the same sensation...he pushed again and dropped another brown egg.

Then came the cry of his wife...'Harry, HARRY, wake up you are crapping all over the sheets'