Joke Of The Day - Page 151

Margaret Pilkington · 04-09-2023, 11:21

A fifty four year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.
During her stay she had a cardiac arrest and a met God.
'is my time up' she asks God.
God tells her that she will live for another 33years, eight months and six days.
When she has been resuscitated and is recovering...she asks if she can stay in hospital...for a face lift.

Margaret Pilkington · 04-09-2023, 11:29

Dolly and Ruby, two old ladies were sat having a coffee and discussing their grandchildren.
Ruby tells Dolly that every year she sends her grandchildren a lovely card for their birthday....and puts a generous cheque in with the card.
She tells Dolly that she never receives any thanks for her gift...in fact she rarely hears anything from them.

Dolly tells her friend that she does exactly the same thing but always gets a phone call a couple of days after they get the card.
Ruby is amazed and asks 'How come'?
Dolly tells her that she always 'forgets' to sign the cheque.

Ryewolf90 · 05-09-2023, 20:28

How do you know when you're on Accrington Web Forum? All the Accy Stanley Football Threads.

Ryewolf90 · 05-09-2023, 20:38

What do you call an Afghan virgin? Never bin-laid-on...

Ryewolf90 · 05-09-2023, 20:52

How do you get a country girls attention? A tractor....

Ryewolf90 · 05-09-2023, 20:58

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. I just bought a TV and it said "Built in Antenna". To be perfectly honest IDK where that is.

Ryewolf90 · 05-09-2023, 21:01

I can't understand why my calculator stopped working. It just doesn't add up.

Ryewolf90 · 05-09-2023, 21:07

Do you want to know the German word for consipation? farfrompoopen... Well I just learned the German word for bra... Stoppemfrumfloppen.

dotti34 · 07-09-2023, 00:42

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

dotti34 · 07-09-2023, 00:43

Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A minute." Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A penny."

Smith asked, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replied, "In a minute."

dotti34 · 07-09-2023, 00:44

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

dotti34 · 07-09-2023, 00:45

A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?” The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?” The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

dotti34 · 07-09-2023, 00:47

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob" she said.. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Margaret Pilkington · 07-09-2023, 11:07

The oldest computer in the world was an Apple.
It was owned by Adam and Eve…it had a very poor memory….1byte and it crashed.

Margaret Pilkington · 07-09-2023, 11:19

A woman goes to a psychiatrist.
Her complaint is that she is being harassed to marry by her parents.
This is causing her a deal of stress.
She tells the psychiatrist that she sees no need to marry.
She is educated, has a good job, a home is financially solvent, has lots of friends and a wide variety of interests.
She asks the psychiatrist ‘What possible advantage would there be in having a husband?’

The psychiatrist is silent for a little while then he says to her
‘Your life right now is just how you want it, but life can change suddenly.
You may lose your job, your friends may desert you, your plans won’t always work out….you need someone you can blame….that’s why you need a husband’