Joke Of The Day

[Margaret Pilkington]

A naked chap is walking down the road with a woman on his back.
A chap across the road greets him and asks him where he is going.
‘A fancy dress party’ says the naked man.
‘What are you going as?’ asks the chap.
‘A tortoise’ says the naked man.
‘Who is the woman on your back then?’asks the chap.
‘Oh that’s just Michelle’

Ok I’ll get my coat!

[Ryewolf90]

Got home to find my kids have been on eBay all day. If they're still there tomorrow I'll lower the price.

My wife says I have two major faults. I don't listen and something else.

[Ryewolf90]

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie? Coz Ken 'came' in a different box.....

[dotti34]

It's the Australian Football League Grand Final, the culmination of the football season, and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal square. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. As it is close to start time he leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty". “This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1979".

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head and says "No, they're all at the funeral."

[dotti34]

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you…"

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[Margaret Pilkington]

A policeman just pulled me over.
He said 'Papers'.
I said 'scissors..I win!'
I think he must want a rematch...he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

[Margaret Pilkington]

two dogs and a cat go to heaven...The Lord says to the Alsatian 'What do you think you can bring to Heaven?
'Lord, I can bring security. I will chase away the evil wrong doers'
the lord looks to his left and sees a little poodle.....he asks what the Poodle can bring to heaven.
'Lord I can bring love and loyalty. I will never let you down'.

Then the Lord looks at the cat and says 'what do you think?

The cat blinks slowly and says....'I think you are sitting in my seat!'

[Margaret Pilkington]

A woman was suing the hospital.
She said that her husband had lost interest in her since his operation.

The hospital's defence;- We only corrected his eyesight!

[dotti34]

This is probably not politically correct but then neither am I. Apologies if anyone is offended by it, it’s a joke Joyce.


A blonde teenager wanting to earn some extra money for the summer decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted the girl quickly responded "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes” the girl replied “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lotus”.

[Margaret Pilkington]

Dorothy, I have heard it before, but it still makes me laugh

[dotti34]

A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will have been married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason." Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Beth, I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I do recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 43 more votes?"

[landhusweg]

A guy was traveling on the train, when a conductor came along and said “All Tickets Please.” The guy promptly gave him his ticket. The conductor then said “This is a child’s ticket.” The guy then replied “Sorry, but it’s not might fault if you are running so late!!!

Cheers

[landhusweg]

Here’s another silly one:
Why do deep-sea divers always sit on the edge of a boat, then topple over backwards into the sea?
↓
↓
↓
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If they toppled forward, then they would land in the boat!
Cheers

[Ryewolf90]

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent....

[Ryewolf90]

Somebody asked me where did your sister going hunting

I said Alaska.

He said nevermind I ask her myself....