Joke Of The Day

[janet]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[lettie]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits


down but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention


but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the priest pouds three times on


the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on

this side either."

[Tealeaf]

Sacrilage.....

[janet]

Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man...

[lettie]

First-year students at the Med School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human
body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is

necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor:

"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving the human body". To illustrate, he pulled
back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of
the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger
in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them
and said, "The second most important quality is observation."
"I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index
finger.

Now learn to pay attention."

[Len]

They are getting better each day. lol

[lettie]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Sparkologist]

Originally Posted by lettie

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A wise answer. Will someone please give Lettie a karma point by proxy? I don't think i'm yet eligible to dish out these little green gems.

[lettie]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang


the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying


on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume


filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my


husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."


But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my LOVE dress,"


the daughter-in-law explained. "LOVE dress? But you're naked!"


"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him


no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic


and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on


her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the


couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.


He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you


doing?" he asked. "This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.


"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[janet]

Nice one Lettie.

[janet]

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

"Hold it, hold it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn't mean we can't work, does it?"

[Sara]

This explains why we forward jokes, please read it.

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he
was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.


After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road.
It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the
sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like Mother of Pearl,
and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at
a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right
up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler
asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."


The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road
and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill,
he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it
had never been closed.
There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there ".
The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate.
"Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure
enough,
there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave
some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.


"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said.
"The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they
screen
out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing
a word, maybe this could explain:

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward
jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how,
you forward jokes.

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important,
you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think
that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been
thought
of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to
send you a smile.

[lettie]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for
facelift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where
a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be
turned
to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face
lift.
Of course, the woman wanted, "The Knob." Over the course of the years,
the
woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful - the woman
remained young looking and vibrant.

After 15 years, the woman returned to the surgeon
with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the
results.
But now, I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The
doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your
breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee . . ."

[Neal]

Barclays Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new
Drive-through cash point machines where our customers will be able to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities we have
conducted intensive behavioural studies to devise appropriate procedures
for their use.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert your card and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive away.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash
machine.
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto the passenger seat to
locate card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card into the cash machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to the cash machine due to
the excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. After "Invalid Card' is displayed? Remove Marks& Spencer Charge
Card and insert the correct Cash Point Card.
11. Remove Cash Point Card.
12. Re-insert Cash Point Card the right way up.
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
14. Enter PIN.
15. Press 'Cancel' and re-enter correct PIN.
16. Enter amount of cash required.
17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
18. Retrieve cash and receipt.
19. Empty your handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
20. Place receipt in back of chequebook.
21. Re-check make-up.
22. Drive car forward 2 metres.
23. Reverse back to cash machine.
24. Retrieve card.
25. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the
slot provided.
26. Restart the stalled engine and pull off.
27. Drive for 2-3 miles.
28. Release hand brake!

[Sparkologist]

Mum and dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. 'Daddy, what are they doing?' asked young Billy.
After some quick thinking, the father replied, 'Why son, they are making a puppy.'

Later that night, Billy was thirsty and got out of bed for a glass of water. As he walked by his mum and dad's bedroom, he heard a noise, and poked his head around the door to take a look, only to find mum and dad going at it. Billy shouts, 'What are you doing?'
The father, quite embarrassed, replys, 'Why Billy, we're making a baby.'
'Quick, turn her over...' declares Billy, '...I want a puppy!'