Joke Of The Day

[Len]

I'm a perve.

You got me all hot and bothered reading that.

[Sparkologist]

It's long and thin,
And covered in skin.
It's red in parts,
And goes in tarts.

What is it?

Rhubarb!

[lettie]

An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a
smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and
arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi
Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the
booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are
able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a
stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for
their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today,
and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted
10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had
to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the
Dutchman in horror he
Said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows Could
only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was
soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the
world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may
have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me, not 20,
but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man,
you are also very brave" the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what
is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[Sparkologist]

Nice one, Lettie. I'll try that one out on Monsieur Boulanger, Le Frenchy, Le directeur, at E&R. No more bottles of Claret or Kronik 1664 if i do though.

[Sparkologist]

There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her husband sexually stimulated, but nothing seemed to work. She tried sexy lingerie, toys etc etc but had no luck. So one day she asked her friend what she should do...'It's really annoying me now! He's just not up for it. He's always down the pub with the lads. What can I do?'
He friend suggested, 'Well, if he's always out with the lads why don't you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and he'll thanks you appropriately.'
So the woman tried it, and this his what happened on his return.
Man: 'Take your clothes off.'
Woman thinks: 'Whooaa, this is working!'
Man: 'Stand on your head.'
Woman: 'Ooohh. Kinky!'
Man: 'Spread your legs apart.'
Woman thinks: 'This has really worked. Give it to me!
The man then gets a shaving mirror and places it between her legs. The woman thinks, 'Wow, this is different.'
The man says, 'You know... the lads are right, I would look good with a beard!'

[WINGY]

Paddy and his wife lorna where happily married for 20 years, but as tiime went on there sex life became less and less.
Lorna consulted her friends about this problem and came to the conclusion that the only way to return thiings to how they were was to try to seduce Paddy with some sexy lingerie.
So on friday night paddy went to the pub as he did every week with his mates, and hiis lovely wife began to turn their bedroom into a sexy love nest. she lay on the bed waiting for paddy to come home dressed in a lovely red basque stockings and matching crotchless knickers!!!
Very soon paddy came home rather drunk and proceeded to the bedroom,and found his wife waiting for him. As he walked into the room lorna didn't want to waste any time and said to paddy
"come over here here and giive me oral sex"
Paddy replied
"i think you better wash it first have you seen what its done to your knickers!!!!"

[Len]

I must try this one out!

[lettie]

The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a
bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would
be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like
to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider;
explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him,
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em", which
he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Captain's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied "Vietnam."

[janet]

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple
Two calves that will never become cows
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything
Twenty nails that won't hold a board
A chest that won't hold linen
Two boobs that won't give milk
Two buns that won't feed anyone
A belly button that won't button
Two balls that won't roll
An ass that won't pull a plow
An organ that won't play music
A cock that won't crow

[lettie]

A couple from London decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left London and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and as there was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....somewhere in Manchester, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was
called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided
to check her e-mail, expecting messages of condolence from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son
rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen and the open email which read:

> -----------------
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 27 Feb 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me, but they have computers here
now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow! Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS Sure is hot down here!!

[Sparkologist]

One day, Superman was flying along feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but needed to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over Wonder Woman's house, and see what she was doing. As he got closer, he used his X-ray vision, and to his surprise, Wonder Woman was lying on her bed totally nude.

Superman thought, 'This is great! I'll zip in there, do my business, and before she notices, I'll be gone.' So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash.
'Whoaa!' cried Wonder woman, 'what the hell was that?'
And the Invisible Man replied, 'I don't know, but my @r$e sure is sore!'

[lettie]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was


only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other


man, for he seemed terribly familiar.


They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when


suddenly the Irishman cried out : "My God! I know who that man is - it's


Jesus!"


The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting


alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge :


"Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small


smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says.


Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you


to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."


The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass


in thanks and drinks.


Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or


what?"


Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".


The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot


of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.


The Scouser then calls out : "Oi wack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles


and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".


The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of


bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts


the drink and smiles over at the table.


Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches


our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,


thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry


of amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for


years is gone! It's a miracle !!!"


Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.


Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "By jingo mate, the


migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone - it's a


miracle!!!"


Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says:









"Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"

[Sparkologist]

How true, Lettie. How true.

i'm currently working with a gang of mickey mousers, in Widnes, and there's more work in a sick note than half of 'em.

[Sparkologist]

Just a Quickie...

Three old ladies sat on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed at them.

Two of them had a stroke. The third couldn't reach.

[lettie]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a cheque.She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the cashier, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,

"Well that's great... just great...

• 
  
  Some ar**hole's got my pen."