Joke Of The Day - Page 22

janet · 09-05-2004, 17:03

Nice one....

lettie · 10-05-2004, 12:55

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She
opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,
India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at
the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR ***KING BEER IN
YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER***KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE
MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A***HOLE?"

and, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

Tealeaf · 10-05-2004, 13:15

I wonder if we could have that in English English, rather than American English.....

Bazf · 10-05-2004, 13:59

OK, how about, the English version.........

Im going to the pub
ok but dont hang about with that Tealeaf gezzer........

lettie · 10-05-2004, 19:31

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face
a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her
menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to
men with rugged
and masculine features. And if she is menstruating,
she is more prone to
be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his
temple and a bat jammed
up his a*se while he is on fire. Further studies are
expected.

Tealeaf · 11-05-2004, 07:44

I don't get that one.

Aussie Gobbiner · 11-05-2004, 10:04

It's a male thing.... I get it!

lettie · 11-05-2004, 12:44

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said: "I'm lookin' for a job!"

The man behind the counter replied: "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur /bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said: "You're bullshi**ing me!"

The man behind the counter said: "Well you bloody started it!"

lettie · 12-05-2004, 18:20

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. James the
class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my
Mum
said it was contagious."

"Well done, James" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a
sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a
bug
going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad irish voice, "Our
next
door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my
Dad
says it will take the contagious"

Sparkologist · 12-05-2004, 19:57

Why did the Blond have a long string on her tampon?

So that her crabs could go bungee jumping.

Sparkologist · 12-05-2004, 20:00

When did Pinocchio realise that he wasn't a real boy, and that he was made out of wood?

When his hand caught fire!

Sara · 13-05-2004, 18:43

Subject: Daughters letter

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the

bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling

hands:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I

eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so

nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But its not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will

be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many

more children with me and that's one of my dreams too. I've

learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it

for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the

cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the

science to find the cure for AIDS, so that Ahmed can get better. He

deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how

to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know

your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith

p.s. Mum, it's not true. I'm at neighbour's house. I just

wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the

school's report card, that's in my desk's drawer. I love you!

lettie · 13-05-2004, 19:24

I have a joke, it's really disgusting (but funny) but I will probably be banned for posting it. So here's another one instead.

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of 12-year-old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

However,Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem.

My penis is the same size as an infant and hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon.

Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

__________________________________________________ __

janet · 13-05-2004, 19:34

Must Be Herbal Essences

One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth floor which had a woman already in it. The man looks at the woman and says, "You have the most beautiful hair!" The woman, angrily gets out on the next floor and takes the stairs.
The next day the same man comes on the elevator on the fourth floor and sees the woman again. "Your hair! It looks so smooth and silky!" Furious, the woman gets off the next floor and decides again to take the stairs.

The day after that, the same man and woman end up on the elevator again. "I just really have to say that your hair smells amazing!" The woman looks at the man and at a lost for words, storms out of the elevator.

That day at the office she is appraoched by her boss who sees that she is distressed. "What's the matter?" he asks. "This whole week, you have come to work late and very upset." "Well every day a man, the same man, tells me on the elevator that my hair smells really good," the woman replies. "What's wrong with that?" her boss inquires. Which she yells, "He is a midget!"

Sparkologist · 13-05-2004, 19:59

Whats got ninety balls, and makes women tremble?

A bingo machine!