Joke Of The Day

[Sparkologist]

If you have been reading the jokes posted tonight, you will no doubt be aware that there is in existence a filthy rude, crude and downright dirty joke. I'm not a card carrying member of the Campaign for the Moral Minority, and i have been dared to post it. So in all it's glory, Ladeez & Gentlemen, please put your hands together for The Joke.

Ps... Don't shoot the messenger!

Sheila, the Aussie housewife stepped out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. She didn't fall over forwards or backwards, but instead did the splits, and suctioned herself to the floor. She shouted out for her husband. 'Bruce, Bruce!' she yelled. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor!'
'Strewth!' cried Bruce as he attempted to heave her up. 'You're stuck fast, girl. I'll go across the road and fetch Cobba.' (his mate)

They came back and both tried to pull Sheila upright. 'No way. We cant do it,' said Cobba. 'Let's go for Plan B!'
'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce, 'What's that?'
'I'll go back across the road, get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum,' replied Cobba.
'Spot on,' said Bruce. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits?' cried Cobba, 'Not exactly agood time for doing that mate!'
'No,' Bruce replied, ' But I figure that if I get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen, where the tiles aren't so expensive!'


Like i said, Don't shoot the messenger. Maybe it's just my sick sense of humour, coz that is the funniest joke i've ever heard. Tears of laughter? I cried me a river!

[janet]

That's what i call a good one.

[lettie]

I'm still laughing at the last one......



Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builder's start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit.
Chris:- I reckon he's an accountant.
James:- No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris:- He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the
several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris:- Excuse me ... no offence meant, but me and my mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit:- No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris:- Oh! What's that then?
Suit:- I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Chris:- Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit:- Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond.
Which is it?
Chris:- It's in a pond!
Suit:- Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
then?
Chris:- As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit:- Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Chris:- As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit:- Well given that you've built a five bedroom house, it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Chris:- Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit:- Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit:- Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Chris:- Me? Never.
Suit:- Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris:- How's that then?
Suit:- Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Chris:- I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James:- I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris:- Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James:- What's that then?
Chris:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James:- Nope.
Chris:- Well then, you're a w*nker.

[lettie]

Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.

Johnny, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher
asked him about his father.


"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the
ar*e."


The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring
and took little Johnny aside to ask him,


"Is that really true about your father?"


"No," said Johnny, "he really plays for Leeds United, but I was too
embarrassed to say."

[lettie]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him," My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen,
You don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....heck of a lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the
mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to
check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get
a lawyer.

5. Your Volvo needs rings.

6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Bazf]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Q: What is two inches wide, six inches long and drives a women wild?








A: A bar of chocolate.

[lettie]

This is a real groaner.... but it's clean...


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see
from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday"

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The
frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall, bright, pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and
wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral".

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world
is
this?!"

(You're gonna love this)









The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack, give the frog a loan -
his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Sparkologist]

There are no swear words, nothing racist, nothing homophobic or no other politically incorrect taboos contained in this joke, so put your knives away! I already know that i have a terminally ill sense of humour. Maybe if you get this joke, your sense of homour is a little sick also.


Old Bert, thirty years at the coal face until a mine collapsed, causing him to lose both legs in the pit disaster.
For twenty years, he was tended lovingly by his wife Betty, until she unfortunately passed away. Bert knew the only thing for him was to move into a rest and retirement home. Sadly he missed Betty's companionship and loving touch, because even though he spent twenty years in a wheelchair, Bert still got sexual urges.
At first, Bert was lonely and used to sit alone in a corner of the rest home lounge every night, until one day an old lady named Daisy became a resident. daisy took a shine to Bert. They got talking, she told him of her previous life with her husband who was sadly deceased, and Bert told Daisy of his many happy years spent with Betty.
As the friendship grew, Bert felt that he could confide in Daisy and he told her about his urges. Daisy suggested she could help him. So every night, at 7pm after tea, Bert would wheel himself to Daisy's room, and they would chat and talk, and all the while, Daisy would hold Bert's tumescent erection in her hand; nothing more but Bert was happy and contented.
For many an evening, this arrangement kept both Bert and Daisy happy. Until one day, Ethel came to stay at the rest home. At first all was well, then one evening Daisy was sat in her room at 7pm as usual, waiting for Bert, but he didn't show. Daisy thought nothing of it except to consider that maybe Bert was more tired than normal. For a few nights longer Daisy waited in her room for Bert to appear, but he never did.
One morning, Daisy entered the dining room and saw Ethel and Bert laughing and joking whilst eating breakfast. Daisy was more than a little miffed at this sight and confronted the couple. " For over six months now I've kept you company Bert. I've shared secrets with you, laughed with you and helped you with your sexual urges," she cried. "What is it that Ethel has that I don't?" Daisy said.
With a guilty tone in his voice, Bert replied, " Parkinson's Disease."


If you like it, tell me. Equally, if you don't, let me know

[lettie]

Nice one.......

[Bazf]

Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

[Sparkologist]

Whats blue and f.......

Nah, sorry can't tell you that one. Plod would give me a season ticket to detention and 100 lines, 'I must not post perceived uncouth jokes on Accyweb again!'

[Bazf]

Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What's wrong?" His mother said. "Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny's mother started. "...Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I don't know why you didn't laugh when it happened."

"I did!" Johnny said. "I did!"

[Sparkologist]

I cannot claim the credit for this joke....


Why don't they do drivers education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?

Because they don't want to wear out the camel.


.... but i am prepared to take any flack

[Bazf]

Good one

How do you empty an Iraq bingo hall?
shout B52.

[lettie]

An old, clean, inoffensive one


An elderly couple walk hand in hand into a fast food restaurant one cold winter evening.

They look out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers look admiringly at them.

"There's a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!" One of the on-lookers comments to his friends.

Meanwhile the little old man walks up to the cash register, places his order with no hesitation and pays for their meal.

The couple take a table near the back wall and start taking food off of the tray.

There is one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counts out the French fries, divides them in two piles and neatly places one pile in front of his wife.

He then takes a sip of the drink and his wife does likewise, setting the cup down between them.

As the man begins to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd of youngsters begin to feel sorry for the couple. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." one of them remarks.

Finally, as the man tucks into his pile fo French fries, one young man from the group approaches the old couples' table and politely offers to buy them another meal.

"We're just fine," replies the old man. "We're used to sharing everything."

Satisfied, the young man returns to his table but when one of his friends remarks "But look, the old lady hasn't even taken a bite. She's just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink."

So once more the young man goes over and this time he begs them to let him buy them something to eat.

"No, we're fine, honestly. We're used to sharing everything," says the old lady as the little old man finishes eating and she wipes his face neatly with a napkin.

The young man can stand it no longer and after being politely refused again he finally plucks up the courage to confront the old lady.

"Excuse me madam, but why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything, but you haven't touched any of your food? What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered...

"The teeth."