Joke Of The Day

[Sparkologist]

Oh dear. Gross out!

[Bazf]

2 Nuns in a bath, one says to the other "where's the soap?"
the other one says "yes it does".

[Bazf]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in
the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle
wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his
knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit
or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my
pet pyfon weally gives a thit."

[lettie]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,"Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her ....... He's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."


__________________________________________________ __

[lettie]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends
him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an
erection once
a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.

[lettie]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots..

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

[Sparkologist]

Once upon a time , there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them but they had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice, and soon after, they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work his car broke down, and since they lived in the country he phoned his wife to say that he would be a few hours late because he would have to walk home. On the way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to go, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered. By the time he left, he'd had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home, he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seem excited. 'Darling, I've got the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She then put a blindfold on him and led him into the dining room to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one brewing. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the telephone.
Whilst she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg, 'parrrp', and let one go. Not only was it loud, it was ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air around him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and, 'rrriipppp!' It sounded like a lumpy diesel engine turning over on a cold morning, and smelled even worse. To refrain from gagging, he tried waving his arms around a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt the urge coming back once again.
He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner: the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned into the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them about with his napkin.

When he heard his telephone farewells, (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and placed his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was a picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked him if he had been peeking at the dinner. After assuring her that he hadn't, she removed the blindfold and yelled SURPRISE!!!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the dinner table for his surprise birthday party.

[lettie]

lol what a cracker...

[lettie]

This is a truly terrible joke (but It's not rude)





Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.

" Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd is up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those
retards out"

The crowd is up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-

..Away Gauls count for double in Europe."

[Sparkologist]

This one is also awful, you decide if it's rude

Please don't read this one on a full stomach!

There was a little girl and her mother walking throught the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, 'Mummy, what are they doing?'

The mother hesitates then quickly replies, 'Ummm, they are making cakes.'

The next day they are at the zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and again her mother gives the same response, 'Making cakes.'

The next day the little girl says to her mother, 'Mummy, you and daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?

Shocked, the mother asks, 'How do you know?'

She says, 'Because I licked the icing off the sofa.'

[lettie]

You sicko Sparky

[Sparkologist]

Here's a clean(ish)one.


A couple were on honeymoon lying in bed just about to consumate their marriage, when the wife turned to her new husband and said, 'I have a confession to make. I am not a virgin.'

The husband replied, 'That is no big deal in this day and age.'

The wife continued, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods'

'What, Tiger Woods the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they had done, the husband got up and walked to the phone.

'What are you doing?' asked the wife.

The husband said, 'I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that'

'Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband put down the phone, went back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finished, he got up and went over to the phone. 'What are you doing now? the wife asked.

The husband said, 'I'm still hungry. I was going to ring room service and order some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slammed down the phone, went back to bed and made love one more time. When they had finished, the guy was tired and beat. He dragged himself over to the phone and started to dial.

His wife asked, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole!'

[lettie]

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear.
Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela,Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the
cupboard and pees into it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and partied all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same,
the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to pee in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him,
"But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!!!"

[Sparkologist]

Oooerrr

[Sparkologist]

So, is this why the cemetery on Dill Hall Lane sometimes looks worse for wear???


Two women friends had been on a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly over enthusiastic with the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a gravestone or something.

The first women had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them then threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, 'These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home without her knickers last night.'

'That's nothing!' said the other. 'My wife came back with a card wedged between the cheeks of her ar$e that said, "From all of us at the fire station. We will never forget you."'