Joke Of The Day

[lettie]

The Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise the right wrist, and this is one of those occasions.

Just as he reaches the climax he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.

"This picture is my lottery win", says the photographer. I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope then dries himself off and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she says. "How much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars," replies the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "they must have seen you coming!"

[Sparkologist]

Naughty, naughty. Very, very naughty!

[WINGY]

Absolutely loving these!!!!

[lettie]

An oldie.......


A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van... (you know,
shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that), when
suddenly
the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip
me,whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not
have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration,opens the window
snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they
both
collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the
whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The
doctor
takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having
sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because
in
all my years of doctoring






"You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever
seen...!!

[janet]

I love these jokes. sparky and lettie p.m me with the site you get them off.

[lettie]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all." The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Goal! 2 all."

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not be out done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and follows through in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"

[Tealeaf]

Originally Posted by janet

I love these jokes. sparky and lettie p.m me with the site you get them off.

Lettie does'nt get these off a site, does she? This can't be true; Please, someone tell me this can't be true. I thought lettie made these jokes up at work, as she stands at the end of the bed yelling "Push...Push".......

[lettie]

Most of my jokes are from old e mails Tealeaf. Actually, I could do with the name of a good website for jokes, as I am scraping the bottom of the barrell now. Most of the jokes I have left in my messages are way too rude to post on here.

[Tealeaf]

Oh dear...they must be bad, considering some of the stuff that has been on here....being a quiet, innocent boy i think I'll have to refrain from here for a while

[Sparkologist]

Originally Posted by Tealeaf

Oh dear...they must be bad, considering some of the stuff that has been on here....being a quiet, innocent boy i think I'll have to refrain from here for a while

It would be wise to close your eyes, Mr T, if your cursor should inadvertantly stray into the Joke of the Day thread coz some of the next ones may make you wince, or wet yourself, depending on your moral disposition

[lettie]

Don't you just love GP receptionists..... This one makes me laugh, it's not particularly rude, but I have seen pretty much the exact same situation..


An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't p*ss out of it," the man replied.

[Sparkologist]

What was it the editor of The Daily Mirror said, as he cleared his desk, publish and be damned?

Try this for size.
I have sanitised it as far as it can go without ruining its content. XXXXX doesn't reckon I'll get away with posting it, (it's a shame really coz it took me ages to type it up so it reads well), then dared me in a roundabout sort of way.
This isn't off any website, it's been running round in my head for the last fourteen years. I just remember the punchline and embellished the rest.


Two lads, Ady and Danny, were in their local, on a fruitless mission to chat up the barmaid. The crack and banter was flowing thick and fast, when in walked a lecturer from the local college.

"That's Joe, he's a wood technician," said Tricia, the barmaid. Upon hearing this statement, Ady and Danny start cracking jokes about porn stars and boners and things of that ilk. "No, seriously lads, he's a wood technician. Joe knows every type of wood there is. In fact he claims to be able to tell where a piece of wood has come from, just by smelling it."

Ady and Danny decided to have some fun and put Joe to the test. Ady went out to his car and brought back a cricket bat. "Right Joe, close your eyes and tell me where this piece of wood came from," said Ady as he held the bat under Joe's nose.
Joe sniffed at the lump of wood before him, and delivered his verdict. "I can smell freshly cut grass. There is a hint of leather on the wood, and I detect the smell of willow sap. I believe it's a cricket bat." At which point he opened his eyes to reveal Ady's cricket bat before him.
"I told you he was good, didn't I, lads," said Tricia the barmaid.

Danny, not to be outdone went out to his car and brought back a set of crown green bowls that belonged to his uncle. Again Joe was asked to close his eyes and tell his inquisitors where the wood came from that was placed before him. "This one is not so easy," he replied. "Once again, I can smell freshly cut grass, also there is a faint aroma of tropical rain forest. It is definately a tropical hardwood." Joe thought about it some more before saying, "All the evidence points to the wood being from an outdoor bowling ball. That's what it is, it's a crown green bowling ball."
The barmaid said, "He's better than you thought, isn't he, boys?" At which Ady and Danny could only nod in agreement.

After a moments colusion, Ady and Danny took Tricia to one side and whispered something in her ear. Tricia took a pencil from on top of the till and disappeared with it to the ladies toilets. She dropped her panties and proceeded to push the pencil up her pu$$y, then she twizzled it around and jiggled it up and down, just for good measure. When Tricia returned from the ladies, she gave Ady and Danny a sly wink to let them know the deed was done. "OK Joe, close your eyes again and let's see how good you really are," said Tricia, as she held the pencil under the wood technician's nose. "Tell us where this piece of wood came from."

Joe was confused straight away. There were so many conflicting smells. Try as he might, the wood technician just couldn't get a fix on the smells and scent of the wood placed before him. He racked his brain to recall where the strange odours came from. "There is a powerful and overbearing smell of stale fish before me, coupled with that there is a foul stench of dried spunk stains. A most unusual combination of smells. I think my memory and olfactory sense is playing tricks on me, for I have never come across this cocktail of odours before," he said.

Slowly, a grin started to break out on his face. "Yes, I do believe I've got it," said Joe as he turned in the direction of Ady and Danny.
"Well, come on then. Please do tell us," said Ady, barely able to stiffle his laughter.

"It's the combination of stale fish and spunk stains on the wood that gave the game away," said Joe. "It's off the back of a Grimsby trawler's bog door!"



My legal/moral support team reckon i can get away with posting this stripped down version. If i'm going down, they're coming with me!

[lettie]

Hehehehehe.... You've made some of mine look tame Sparky. Somebody please give this man a karma point, as I am currently unable to....

[Sparkologist]

Karma point by proxy. Fankoo!

[Sara]

Okay Lettie, done what you asked of somebody. Given Sparkologist a karma point, think it's deserved.