Joke Of The Day

[Len]

Good one lettie!

[janet]

I liked that one.

[WINGY]

A sad tale :tearRolls
I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I loaded my car up with the gifts I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing the receipt which I would need to get out of the car park, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold evenings chill. Oddly enough, he was holding two fifty pound notes in
his hand.

Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters. His father had died when he was seven years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs to make ends met. Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?"

The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.









So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.
__________________

[Tealeaf]

You cruel B*stard!

[ellie]

Thats well cruel wingy

[janet]

You will be having your wings clipped for that one.lol

[Tealeaf]

Yeah, he's gonna be in deep pooh.......

[lettie]

Nice one Wingy.... I am actually sick enough to find that funny, due to years of working in healthcare.. You do actually develop a really warped sense of humour. My Psychiatrist appointment should be due any day now...

[Sara]

I too find that funny Wingy. Either i also have a sick sense of humour or spend to many hours with children. Probably the latter.

[Sara]

What do you call a dinosaur who has had a vindaloo curry with 10 pints of lager?




A Mega-saur-****

[lettie]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. "Blimey," the bus driver said,
"that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathised and said, "He's a public servant! He shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey.

[Sparkologist]

The Chilli Cook-off Contest

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chillli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chilli?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report

[lettie]

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a
deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she
is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother
from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

[janet]

My Mother Taught Me About...

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."


2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"


11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

[JohnW]

My first attempt at joke posting, hope ya like it!

Share a Cabin
A man and a woman, who never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket!" After a moment of silence, he f@rted, loudly!