Joke Of The Day

[lettie]

a little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa
looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with
Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it
with Ken."

[lettie]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant
shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot, "What about this one
Madam?" "A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute
steal at only £20.""Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
Well", replies the assistant,"it use to live in a brothel and as a
result it's language is a touch fruity!". "Oh, I don't mind that",
said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be
a laugh having a profane parrot." So she buys the parrot and takes
him homeOnce safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and
squawks at the woman, "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam!",
I'm not a Madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman
indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters
arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes,"
says the parrot when he sees the daughters "Mum, tell your
parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes complained the girls,
but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home and the
parrot says"Well F**k me, a new brothel, a new
madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin' Dave?"

[Sparkologist]

That's another pair pee'd. Where can i buy some new strides on a Bank Holiday when everything is closed?

[Sparkologist]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."

[Sparkologist]

I reckon i can get away with posting this joke because the 'W' word was used in joke 334, and lived to post another day. I have a third-party consience, who has given me permission to post.
This is another where the punchline has been running round in the space behind my eyes for many a month, the rest of it is just a yarn i've spun to get there.

Little Billy was on his school holidays, and his Granddad had been seconded to look after the little brat. Young Billy was one of these modern kids who believed that everything came on a plate, and was gift wrapped as a matter of course.
Stuck for what to do to entertain his young offspring twice removed, Granddad asked young Billy if he would like to take a trip to Blackpool for the day. “Too right, Granddad!” cried Billy in reply. “There’s the Pleasure Beach, donkeys, trams; there’s loads to do.” So off they went on the train for the day.

As young Billy and his Granddad were taking a stroll down the prom, Billy spied a candy floss stall. “Granddad! Granddad! Can I have a candy floss? Pleeease Granddad.”
“Listen young Billy, I’m just a poor pensioner, but you’re my grandson and I love you, so I’ll buy you a candy floss,” replied Billy’s Granddad.

A little further into their walk down the prom, they passed by the Pleasure Beach. “Granddad! Granddad, can I have a go on the Big Dipper? Go on Granddad,” whined young Billy.
“Listen here young Billy, I’m only a poor pensioner and I’ve already bought you a candy floss, but you are my grandson, so I will pay for you to go on the Big Dipper.”

Billy loved his ride on the roller-coaster, in fact he couldn’t get enough of it. As soon as he climbed out of the seat, he badgered his Granddad again, “Granddad! Granddad can I have a go on the dodgems? Awww go on Granddad,” bleated the youngster.
“Are you listening young Billy? I’ve already told you I’m only a poor pensioner and I’ve bought you a candy floss and a ride on the Big Dipper, but because you are my grandson, I will pay for you to have a go on the dodgems.” The little runt loved to carve everybody else up on the dodgems and he was buzzing when he step out of his little carnage chariot.

“Come on Granddad, I want to have ride on a donkey!” yelled the young one as he grabbed his Granddad by the hand and towed him off in the direction of the beach. When they arrived at the rail where the donkeys were tethered, Young Billy noticed that all the beasts had been given a name, and it was emblazoned on a hat that each of them was wearing. “I want to have a ride on this one,” demanded young Billy, as he chose a donkey called ‘W*nker’ His Granddad, tired of Billy’s constant requests meekly agreed.

Just as young Billy was being helped onto his mount, a wasp alighted on the donkey’s hind quarters and stung it. Well, the donkey reared up and left its junior jockey sprawled out on the sand, as it set of unattended across the beach “Whaaa!” wailed young Billy. “W*nker’s off. W*nker’s off!”
“Listen young Billy I’m just a poor pensioner. I’ve bought you a candy floss, a ride on the Big Dipper, a go on the dodgems…..

[lettie]

Three men, an American, Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a
sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm." After a few minutes a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech
but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a
piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their
eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman finally said... "Well, will you
look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[lettie]

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace..... It reads: "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you've started." I looked around to see all the
things I started and hadn't finished. So, today I have finished one
bottle of white wine, a bottle of Baileys, a quart of Ben & Jerrys, a
large box of chocolates and a half bottle of vodka. You have no idea how good I feel.

[Sparkologist]

This 'ere Genie has been round more times than the Magic Roundabout...


Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[janet]

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[lettie]

A short, clean, but groanworthy couple......


There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin
and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

[janet]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[Sparkologist]

Whilst we are on the subject of the Church...

Nuns Confessional

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"

[janet]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[lettie]

Nice one Janet...

[Len]

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Janet! Good one.