Joke Of The Day

[janet]

Thank you len.

[Sparkologist]

It's a cracker, Janet. Big-up-respect!

[lettie]

Here are my dad's rules for anyone dating my teenage sister... He sure has mellowed a bit.


Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the The Humber Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

1. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

2. Places where there is darkness.

3. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

4. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.

5. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are OK.

6. Football games are okay.

7. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Tealeaf]

Today, we are free to discuss most matters quite openly (with the exception, of course, of anything in relation to our ethnic friends, upon which the slightest deviation from politically correct discourse results in a great weight of odium thrown on you by lesbians, social workers, council officials and all the other riff-raff in todays society...)

But not so long ago - indeed, within the lifetime of some of us on here - another subject was strictly taboo amongst the respectable working class of our town. In those days, women did not have the spare time to lark around on the internet; instead, they had to fulfill their proper role of cooking, cleaning, and washing, the latter usually occuring on a monday.

It was on one of these occaisions that one lady happened to peer over the backyard wall as she was pegging up her bloomers....

"Here", she whispered across to her neighbour..."does tha funny thing get a twitch when tha's had a bit o, tha knows...."

"Aye, all t'time"...she cautiously replied, "but then he rolls 'oer, farts and goos asleep"



Thee 'appy wi that, Lettie?

[lettie]

Very nicely done Tealeaf.... Maybe I'll send you some more of my unpostable jokes for laundering (pardon the pun)

[janet]

Four worms were placed INTO four separate jars. The first worm was put INTO a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put INTO a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put INTO a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put INTO a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm - dead

Second worm - dead.

Third worm - dead.

Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

[lettie]

Nice one Janet, that's my kind of joke....


A passenger plane is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets
into the Ocean. The impact is Such that the plane is ripped apart leaving
only one man alive.
After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the
sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of
miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor
from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly
he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.
As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... its Kylie
Minogue.
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate
bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall
madly in love.
One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love
sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow

on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could
require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something
missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws
a neat moustache on her.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off in the
other direction and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they go. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards

him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her,

grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm sh*gging'!!

[Sparkologist]

I bow to your greater intellect Mr Tealeaf, Sir. A most remarkable effort to sanitise a downright filthy little gem.
You saved Plod from a heart attack, and my neck from the block, because otherwise the unadulterated version was due to be posted.

You too can have a Boyakasha!

[JohnW]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me.They are over there, under that tree" "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

[Tealeaf]

John, that's wicked!

[JohnW]

Oh my, you're not a lawyer by any chance are to Tealeaf? If so, sorry old lad!

[JohnW]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

[janet]

Nice one john.

[JohnW]

Well, thank you very much Janet, how ya doin'?

[JohnW]

Who Is Jack Schitt?

The Lineage Revealed

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,
“You don't know Jack Schitt.” Now you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and 0. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married 0. Schitt, the
owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married
Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt, the twins—Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being
married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married
Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as
Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are
Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left
home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new
bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know
Jack Schitt, you can correct them.