Joke Of The Day

[JohnW]

Essex girls

Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a Sample bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,"That doesn't smell like come to me, Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"

[Sparkologist]

Just in case you girls hadn't worked it out for yourselves...


Men wish women knew


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up - put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports.

7. Anything you wear is fine - really.

8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Dawson Creek girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex.

[Tealeaf]

That's an awful lot for them to remember, Sparko....I suggest they write it down somewhere.

[lettie]

You're quite right as usual Tealeaf. However, being a mere female I have a tendency to lose things. If I wrote this down somewhere I'm sure to mislay it. May I suggest that the above information is branded (painfully) onto the torsos of all men. That way us dizzy females wouldn't lose such important information, and it would be fun reading it.....

[Mick]

Now that one i like Sparkologist ,
I just hope Anne and all the other females on her read it
i will probably get thumped for this and i'm keeping my head down at the next Accyweb meeting hehe

[Tealeaf]

Originally Posted by lettie

You're quite right as usual Tealeaf. However, being a mere female I have a tendency to lose things. If I wrote this down somewhere I'm sure to mislay it. May I suggest that the above information is branded (painfully) onto the torsos of all men. That way us dizzy females wouldn't lose such important information, and it would be fun reading it.....

Numbers 18-25 would have to be read looking up at my enlarged 6-pack

[lettie]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS . . .. I'm sorry . . . what did you ask me?

[lettie]

OK folks, lets have a sing along......


INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY


Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Ars*hole's aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.

Naan, ooh, ooh
This dupiazza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.


I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango!
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani! (Byriani!)
Byriani! (Byriani!)
Byriani and a naan!
(A vindaloo loo loo loooo!)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

[headbanging guitar solo]

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

[guitar solo]
[slow bit]

Korma or dupiazza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)

[Sparkologist]

Top drawer lettie. What's it called... Ode to the Mitali?

Spicey pomps, Lime Pickle, Onion Budgies, Chicken Ring-Sting, Garlic Elephants Ears & Vimto Lollies as aperitifs. Now that sounds like a song worth singing!

[Sparkologist]

For any of you Geezers vain enough to wear a 'syrup'... 'Syrup of Fig' - Wig. Geddit...? Maybe not...


An elderly and not overly smart man took his very much younger date to see a movie.

Instead of watching the movie though, they are kissing, hugging and fondling each other.

As things are getting more heated by the moment the man's very expensive toupee gets knocked off.

Of course, right away he starts trying to find it and in the dark, his hand accidentally gets in under his date's dress.

She, feeling quite aroused by all the kissing and such, breathes into his ear............."that's it !" ......... "that's it !" .

The man thinks for a second and then replies, "Hell, it couldn't be! I had mine parted on the side! "

[Sparkologist]

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):

'In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.'

'Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.'

'Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.'

'Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.'

'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'

'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'

'Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'

'Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'

'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'

'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'

'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'

'The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.'

'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'

'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.'

'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'

'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'

'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'

'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'

'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'

‘Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'

'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'

‘Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'

'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'

'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'

'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'

'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'

'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.'

'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'

'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.'

Bless their little hearts!


See, i do clean ones as well

[Mick]

Now that's good Sparkologist

[lettie]

C'mon Mick, tell us a joke.........

[lettie]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With
some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just
feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he
exclaimed.
"Are those for me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are
for your father."

[Mick]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.