Joke Of The Day

[Mick]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred pounds, I guess."

[Mick]

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

[lettie]

Some good ones there Mick..

[Mick]

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

[Mick]

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

[lettie]

A clean one...


A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been
married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I
want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the
bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts
veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit
nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."

Never underestimate how a woman thinks.

[janet]

What is it?

Whats greater than God, more evil than the Devil, poor people have it, rich people don't need it, and if you eat too much of it you will die. What is it?






The Answer:

Nothing.

[Sparkologist]

Well, i'm clean out of clean jokes, so it's back to the usual base standards.


A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "if you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab".

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
'How much for a ride to the airport?' he asked.

'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply.

'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?'

'What? Get the hell out of my cab you ar$ehole!'

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
'How much for a ride to the airport?'

The cabbie replied, 'Fifteen bucks.'

The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

[Sparkologist]

Short and sweet, and not the slightest bit rude.


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[janet]

Little blue eyed Rose Sinclair,
Stood shyly by the barber's chair
While Mr. Fairclough trimmed the hair
Of Rose's father, sitting there.

And as she stood, she slowly ate
A bar of creamy choco-late
Her favourite milky 'Twinkle Bar'
Bought earlier, by dear Papa.

"Don't stand so close" the barber frowned
As clippings tumbled all around
"'Cos' standing there, the chances are
You'll get hairs on your chocolate bar!"

But little Rose, a shy young child
Just snuggled up to Pa and smiled
So Mr. Fairclough, in dismay
Continued cutting anyway.

And when he'd finished father's head,
He turned to little Rose and said
"Have you got hairs on your 'Twinkle' then?"
"Not yet", said Rose... "I'm only ten!!!"

[Tealeaf]

I don't get it.

[Mick]

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.

"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.

"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.

"well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"

[Mick]

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"

The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely **** can I rub it, please let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't **** off!"

The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."

"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.

Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"

The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"

Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my ****!"

So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!

"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"

Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"

[lettie]

A few fun facts.......

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have

produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas

is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the

body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it

starves to death.

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is

attached to its body.

The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human

jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than

left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[Sparkologist]

Oink Oink!




Stomach Complaint - It's a wee bit sick, a little bit funny and rather un-PC.



A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."