Joke Of The Day

[janet]

Three dumb blondes were shipwrecked on a desert island. They came across a magic lamp and a genie came out.

The genie said that he would grant them each a wish.The first blonde asked to be made smart, the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam off the island.

The second blonde asked to be even more smarter, so the genie turned her red hair and she built a boat and sailed off the island.

The third blonde asked to be made the smartest, so the genie turned her into a man and he walked onto the bridge, and off the island.

[lettie]

Ladies..... Have you ever been on the most fantastic date, then at the end of the night it's a total gut wrenching disappointment??? Here are 60 things not to say...


1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

[Sparkologist]

This Genie must be a Senior Member on Accyweb, he has made that many appearances. If we are on a sexist theme...



There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp.

He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless.

While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt.

POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, "All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"

The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."

The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?

[lettie]

What are men like????????

Men are like. . . Laxatives. . . They irritate the sh*t out of you.

Men are like. . .Bananas. . .The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like. . .Vacations. . .They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like. . .Weather. . .Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like. . .Blenders. . .You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like. . .Chocolate Bars. . .Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like. . .Coffee. . .The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like. . .Commercials. . .You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like. . .Department Stores. . .Their clothes are always one half off.

Men are like. . .Government Bonds. . .They take soooo long to mature.

Men are like. . .Mascara. . .They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like. . .Popcorn. . .They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like. . .Snowstorms. . .You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Men are like. . .Lava Lamps. . .Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like. . .Parking Spots. . .All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


We love em really.....

[Sparkologist]

The birds do it, the bees do it, even old-timers do it...


An eldery couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you.

"Yes," she says. "I remember it well"

"Ok," he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake"

"Oooooooh Henry! You Devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence, Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." He follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen,

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable,

Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has leaned somthing about life that he diden't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on,

The policeman, still watching thinks, " That was truly amazing, he was going like a train.I've got to ask him what his secret is."



As the couple pass, he says to them, " That was somthing else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?"

" No, there's no secret, " the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric!"

[lettie]

I'm sure most ladies are aware that when we reach a certain age we get the Mammogram appointment in the post. Although there is nothing to fear from a Mammogram, I can't resist posting this little poem... Enjoy!!!



For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram.

"O.K," I said, "let's do it."



"Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line,) "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."



She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vice!

My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one."

Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out.

[JohnW]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the BITCH in the kitchen.

[Sparkologist]

Listen here chaps... take heed, pay attention and the moral to this little tale will enrich your lives..


A fish is swimming about in a lake when it spots a fly flying around about 12 inches above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "If only that fly would drop about 6 inches, I would be able to leap out of the water and have myself a nice lunch."

At the side of the lake is a bear. The bear sees the fly and sees the fish and it thinks to itself, "If only that fly would drop about 6 inches, the fish would be able to leap out of the water, I could then reach the fish and have myself a nice lunch."

Across the lake is a hunter. The hunter sees the fly, sees the fish and sees the bear and he thinks to himself, "If only that fly would drop about 6 inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, come into range and I could have myself a good kill."

Behind the hunter is a mouse. The mouse sees the fly, sees the fish, sees the bear and sees the hunter and it thinks to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would kill the bear and the sandwich in his back pocket will fall out and I could have myself a nice lunch."

Behind the mouse is a cat. The cat sees the fly, sees the fish, sees the bear, sees the hunter and sees the mouse and it thinks to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would kill the bear and the mouse will get his sandwich, come into range and I could have myself a nice lunch."

Just with that the fly drops six inches, the fish gracefully leaps out of the water and gets the fly, the bear leaps forward and grabs the fish, bang...the hunter moves forward and shoots the bear, the mouse jumps forward and gets the sandwich, the cat pounces forward, misses the cat and ends up in the lake.

What's the moral to that story..........?









It takes a helluva lot of foreplay to get a pussy wet!

[Tealeaf]

Where did the second cat come from?

[janet]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[lettie]

Oooh Janet!!!! I'm shocked...... That's almost as bad as one of mine...

[JohnW]

Oh Janet, you are awful, but I like you!

[Sparkologist]

Originally Posted by lettie

Oooh Janet!!!! I'm shocked...... That's almost as bad as one of mine...

Wash your mouth out with soap and water, and stop telling lies!

[lettie]

Ok then, I'll be honest.... It's far worse than one of mine

[JohnW]

Directions on "How to call the Police"

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left
the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things.

He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed The officer asked, "Is
someone in your house?" and he said no. The officer replied that all patrols were busy, and that
he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't
have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at
the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there
was nobody available!"


(True Story)