Joke Of The Day

[lettie]

Have you ever wondered -


what would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an aeroplane?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If there was a mispelling in the dictionary, how would we know?

If something horrifying is horrific, is something terrifying terrific?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why does Wil E. Coyote keep using Acme products if they never work?

what do you call a male ladybird?

what colour is an air guitar?

why does toast land jam (butter) side down?

if you strangled a Smurf, what colour would it turn?

corn oil is made of corn, olive oil is made out of olives, so whats baby oil made out of?

is it ok to use AM radio in the afternoon?

what do chickens think we taste of?

what do people in China call their best plates?

why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

why is dyslexia so long and hard to spell?

have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

why is bra singular and pants plural?

if a fire-fighter fights fires and a crime-fighter fights crime, what does a freedom-fighter fight?

why are apartments called apartments when they're all stuck together?

if con is the opposite to pro, is American Congress the opposite of progress?

when dog food has a new and improved taste, who tastes it?

if nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

why do you press harder on the remote control when you know the battery's dead?

why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

how come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

if it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

how do 'keep of the grass' signs get where they are?

why has lisp got an 's' in it?

where do ice cream vans go in winter?

[Sparkologist]

Just tripped over this collection of musings on t'internet. I'd like to share them with y'all.

I don't know what radical teaching methods are used in todays schools, but naivety is left behind in the first grade by todays kids.

KIDS ON LOVE


Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)


THE GREAT DEBATE:

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)


CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)


ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)


ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)


CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)


CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)


PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)


SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)


HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)


WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)


HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)


HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)


Tell you what, these kids... they're not wrong, are they?!

[lettie]

There are certain situations in life which require some etiquette. Dining at a posh restaurant, meeting the Queen, weddings etc. I'm a big believer that a level of decorum should be applied in all manner of situations. So gentlemen here is the B.J. Etiquette...

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the blue video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your d**k?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to bl*w you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go j**k off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove organic dental floss from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV...etc.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content, or its calorific value as part of a calorie controlled diet.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc....

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get b.j.'s often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

[Sparkologist]

Originally Posted by lettie

There are certain situations in life which require some etiquette. Dining at a posh restaurant, meeting the Queen, weddings etc. I'm a big believer that a level of decorum should be applied in all manner of situations. So gentlemen here is the B.J. Etiquette...

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
That's rather conceited!

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the blue video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
Swallowing a teaspoon of cream is far, far easier than licking a dead fish.

5. My ears are NOT handles.
I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it, and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your d**k?
I'm not likely to sling it into something that resembles a butcher's dusbin. So provided you lick it clean...

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
What, not even one of those tuneful little 'top C' numbers?

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to bl*w you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go j**k off and leave me alone with my Midol.
Extension to #8 Shut up moaning, just play with my balls. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

10. If I have to pause to remove organic dental floss from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
Show some consideration. Can you begin to imagine the pain when a pube snags?

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV...etc.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
You know I don't do small talk.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content, or its calorific value as part of a calorie controlled diet.
You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavour country.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc....
At least I'm guaranteed some peace and quiet while I watch the footy on the box.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get b.j.'s often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
Take your own advice, and keep it shut. You open it for me, and mine alone!

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

While you're down there... I dont s'pose...?

[lettie]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his
axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into
water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is
this
your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?"
the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank,
and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again
appeared
and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is
this
your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up
with
Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have
come
up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to
me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three
wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.



Hehehehe, and if you believe that!!!!!!!

[lettie]

Reasons why it's good to be a lass....

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynaecological disorder
excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates
are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look
like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

[janet]

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

[lettie]

Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H are the Letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A** Almost Boobs...
{B** Barely there
(C** Can't Complain!
{D** Dang!
{DD** Double dang!
{E** Enormous!
{F** Fake.
{G** Get a Reduction.
{H** Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

[Sparkologist]

...and I thought FF stood for ...'Kin Fantastic

[Sparkologist]

Are you sitting down? Has your tea fully digested? Then I'll commence...


Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."

The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"

"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"

[lettie]

I'd have wet keks if I were wearing any.......

[janet]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?

One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries.

[Sparkologist]

Just a quickie, before a major tome.


Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income, No Kids."

They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

[lettie]

Women are from Venus, men are from Mars????? Ignore all that rubbish, this is what you need to know about men and women.... Read on.

Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life. A mail has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, 'I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts' car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10?items?or?less lane.

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

Eating Out:
When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any, shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald boyfriend's/father's heads.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological Changes. Nature provokes a uniform reaction in men. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because lie reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Cell phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six big batteries to operate.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their ****, because ar$e size doesn't really matter.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Friends:
Women on a 'girls' night out' talk the whole time. Men on a 'boys' night out' say about 20 words all night, most of which are 'Pass the chips' or 'Got any more beer?'

Toilets:
Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social lounges. Men in toilets will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey Tom, I, was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'

[Sparkologist]

This joke swapping service is all well and good, I give the good ones away and only get cr@p to post in return


Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new Bob Marley, (BMW - Bob Marley and the Wailers... geddit?), doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over my lane still working on that makeup! It scared me, (and this coming from a bloke...) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs,causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

BLUDDY WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!