Joke Of The Day

[Sparkologist]

This might be the last joke i post for some time...


6 year old Marilyn and 4 year old Little Johnny were upstairs playing in their play room. Marilyn said "I think it's about time we start swearing. Don't you?"

Little Johnny nodded in agreement.

Marilyn said "Ok, I say 'ass' and you say 'hell.'"

Little Johnny again nodded his head in agreement and they went downstairs for breakfast. Their mom asked Marilyn what she wants to eat.

Marilyn replied "Well hell mom, I'll have some Cheerios."

Her mom spanked her and sent her to her room. She then asked Little Johnny what he wanted for breakfast.

Little Johnny said "I don't know, but you bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[lettie]

This may be my last joke for a while too.

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so
the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best
friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus
said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it
ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No,
it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a*seholes."

"What, he had two a*seholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two ****holes. Every time we went into
town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two
a*seholes...."

[Sparkologist]

Awww... go on then, here's another. It's an old one, but what the hell...


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"


The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

[Sparkologist]

Just one more then. I have a weeks worth of jokes to get rid of...


Kicking the Animals.


A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pee'd off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[janet]

HORSE AND THE CHICKEN

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[janet]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

[WINGY]

Off topic i know but i must say its a bit quiet in here without sparky and lettie where are they?

[janet]

Feel free to join in wingy, or there will only be me posting in this thread. lol

[janet]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

[WINGY]

one day a man was with his son walking along the beach, and the man praised god for such a wonderfull world and for this wonderful place he was waliking in, god heard this and said to the man,

God: I heard you praising me, what would you really want and it shall be yours.

He thought about and said,

Man: what i really what is a bridge to hawiwi

God: What about all the pollution, this might cause and the harm to the envireoment, and its also a bit selfish dont you think?

Man: Ok i suppose so, what i really want then is to know how my wife feels, how to help her when she is down. how to be a better husband towards her, to understand why she feels this way......

God: err.. ... about this bridge

[WINGY]

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
__________________

[janet]

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No,

[JohnW]

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

"Say, honey-baby... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

[JohnW]

Don and Jo were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Don realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."
The next morning, Don woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends would have left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."
Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Women will ALWAYS win.

[BILKO]

If It Was Painless ........ So What////