Joke Of The Day

[BILKO]

JANET DO YOU REALLY SPEND ALL DAY THINKING THESE UP



H.........

[Sara]

Why do English men make the best lovers?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

They can stay on top for 90minutes but still come second.

[BILKO]

Sara Anyone Who Can Stay On Top For 90 Mins Unless Motionless Probably Would Be Too Knacked For A 2nd

Timer [i Think?]

[janet]

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself

[Smiffy16]

hehehehehe.....

[janet]

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

[Sparkologist]

Here's a gross-out little number. I hope you haven't just eaten...

What's the worst thing about receiving a lung transplant?



The first few times you cough, it's someone else's phlegm you bring up!

[Sparkologist]

Right, enough's enough. Let's get this thread moving again

There were two 'ladies of the night', stood on a street corner talking about business. The first one said, "I think we will be busy tonight. I can smell d*ck in the air!"
The second one said, "Don't get excited, I've just burped!"

[lettie]

I'm sure that some of our members are somewhat befuddled by modern-day terminology. So without further ado, here are some extract from my favourite dictionary..... Roger's Profanisaurus...

ARMY AND NAVY - Descriptive of one who likes his bread buttered both sides, swings both ways, half rice half chips.

BACKDOORAL - A kind of unsavoury behaviour, involving bottoms and mouths.

BACKSTABBER - A woman who practices cruel deception on men by appearing attractive when viewed from behind.

BELL CLAPPER - A humungous dangling poo that tolls the buttocks as one tries to swing it loose.

CARBON DIBAXIDE - A noxious gas emitted from ones Nipsy..

FANNY MECHANIC - A Gynaecologist..

FLESH LETTUCE - Ladies bits.

JUGLY - Ugly but with big boobs, Erica Rowe, Anna Ryder Richardson, Lord Owen.

JULLET - The phenomenon of the breasts, upper chest and chins of a salad dodging lady merging into the same wobbling mass of flesh.

MECHANICS NAILS - A finger - end condition caused by toilet paper pushthrough, a taxi driver's tan.

NIPSY - Anal sphincter.

SLAGGLE - A group of young ladies who are generous with their affections.

SPLASH DIET - A weight loss programme which involves shedding pounds of unsightly excrement. Takes about 5 minutes.

[janet]

A mans walking along the beach and he sees a woman with no arms and legs lying in the sand crying.He asks her whats wrong and she says shes upset because shes never been kissed before.so he kisses her and carries on walking.About an hour later he walks past her again and shes crying,he says whats wrong this time and she replies that she's upset because no ones ever given her oral sex before.Feeling sorry for her he gives her oral sex and goes on his way.He walks past her an hour later and she's crying again so he turns to her and asks her whats wrong, and she says that she upset because shes never been f***ed before to which the man replies "Well you are now because the tides coming in".

[Sparkologist]

...and the unpostable Rodger's are even better!

Dead and Buried

An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...

u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we have a bit of a problem with your husband."

wife.. "What's wrong?"

u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and, basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."

wife.. "Well, what can you do?"

u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than standard but it will cost you an extra $500."

wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little less expensive?"

The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.

u/t.. "We could remove his penis."

wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."

u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum."

wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body immediately before the funeral."

u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."

Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time.

She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody hurts, doesn't it?"

[lettie]

A sick (ish) one.....

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[janet]

Good one Lettie.

[Sparkologist]

While we are on the subject of; err, um, noshes...


This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!" she cried

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; one of my family, or a neighbour..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up," the boyfriend pleaded.

But she was insistant. "I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says."Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

[lettie]

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first