Joke Of The Day

[Sparkologist]

Same senario, 2000 miles further south. Don't read this on a full stomach...


After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse.

He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left.

He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.

Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"


Has it put you off your tea?

[lettie]

Nothing puts me off my tea...

[janet]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

[Sparkologist]

I went to the dentists the other day, and I can assure you it was nothing like this...


A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.

"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is on the next floor up."

To that the lady replies, "No mistake. You installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

[lettie]

Why Cucumbers are better than men


the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
cucumbers stay hard for a week
a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
cucumbers don't get too excited
a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
cucumbers are easy to pick up
you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket
... and you know how firm it is before you take it home
you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
cucumbers can get away any weekend
with a cucumber you can get a single room
... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber
a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
a cucumber can always wait until you get home
a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups
cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on
cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts
you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
cucumbers never need a round of applause
cucumbers won't ask:
Am I the best?
How was it?
Did you come? How many times?
cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors
a cucumber won't want to join your support group
a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator
a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
cucumbers can handle rejection
a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow
cucumbers won't give you a hickey
cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot
Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
want to shake hands and be friends
say, "I'll call you a cab."
tell you he's not the marrying kind
tell you he is the marrying kind
call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
take you to confession
cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season
cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray
cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
Cucumbers don't fart and then fluff the covers, or stick your head under
cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold
cucumbers can't count to "10"
cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair
a cucumber will never leave you
for another woman
for another man
for another cucumber
a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No a 19 on him
a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
you always know where YOUR cucumber has been
you won't find out later that your cucumber:
is married
is on penicillin or has AIDS
likes you, but loves your brother
a cucumber never has to call "the wife"
cucumbers never have mid-life crisis
a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation
cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde
cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school
a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
a cucumber won't insist the little tykes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian
it's easy to drop a cucumber
a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything

[Mick]

How do you know lettie ?

[Mick]

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

[Len]

Good one, lettie!

And they don't cost a lot.

[Mick]

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

[Sparkologist]

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.

"What's this?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not paying for it!" and he storms out...

The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.

The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!" the waitress yells.

He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for this EITHER!!!!!"

[Sparkologist]

Karma points could well be at stake here, because the 'dares' are back in operation, hehehe.


A guy came home from work on the nightshift, horney as hell. Sex was all he had thought about on the journey home, but he knew that he was grounded because of rag-week.
However hard he pleaded with his missus, he was kicked into touch. As a last resort, he begged for some 69.
His wife replied, "You know it's that time of month, but if you don't care, then neither do I."
Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, the bloke dragged his wife off to the bedroom, before she had chance to change her mind.

They were going at it like a pair of circus acrobats; when, the doorbell rang. The wife climbed off the bed and cautiously peeked round the curtains, to see who was at the door.
Realising it was the postman, she said to her husband, "I can't go to the door in this state. You'll have to see to the postie."
"I can't go down looking like this," he said. "My face is a right mess."
His wife replied, "Don't fuss. It's only the postman. Just answer the door, and if he says anything, Tell him you were having a jam sandwich."
The bloke pulls on his dressing gown, goes downstairs and opens the front door and greets the postie. "I'm sorry about the state of my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
"Could you please sign for this parcel, sir," said the postman. "And you do realise, sir, that as well as jam round your mouth, you also have peanut butter on your forehead!"

[lettie]

This wasn't a dare....

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

[Sparkologist]

Just a quickie...


Pfizer, the drugs company who produce the remedial drug for male impotence, Viagra, have announced clinical trials of a new wonder drug to enhance the sexual experience of women who suffer from 'lubrication' problems.


It will be called Niagra

[Sparkologist]

One could never accuse Little Johnny of being politically correct...


Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F**K OFF!", the dog ate him!"

[lettie]

A quick, sick one....


A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."