Joke Of The Day - Page 4

IMY · 24-08-2003, 22:13

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,

Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition.  Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.    

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought  diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:

What was in the prince's pants?

 

 

 

M&M's of course.  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
   
What were you thinking ?    tut tut tut ...
;D ;D ;D

Caz · 25-08-2003, 01:08

[quote author=janet link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=40#42 date=08/24/03 at 09:43:15]brilliant jokes cazzer you ought to write a book with all those stories you have insde your head, where do you get them all from.[/quote]

I get most of the stuff on the net, Janet. Just put things in cos they tickle me! If I see something I think is funny, I save it.
Think the Euro Language ones brill - don't know who thinks these things up! ;D ;D

janet · 25-08-2003, 17:30

IMY.  just had to applaud you for those very funny. ;D ;D ;D

Caz · 31-08-2003, 23:37

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can tell them they're wrong!

Caz · 31-08-2003, 23:39

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

''It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?''

Emma · 01-09-2003, 09:51

A man is in a chinese restaurant when a duck comes upto him with a red rose and says " Your eyes sparkle like diamonds" the man replies " waiter i asked for a-romatic duck"

Caz · 02-09-2003, 00:45

A German guy tells a call girl 'I vish to buy zex mit you'
'OK' she says 'Its £50 per hour'.
'Is goot, but I must varn you, im a little kinky!'
They go to the girls flat, where the German gets out four large bed springs and a duck caller. 'I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs', he tells her. The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. 'Now get on your hands und knees', he says. She does as he says balancing on the springs. 'You vill please blow zis duck caller as I **** you'. She finds this odd too, but figures its harmless and the guy is paying for it anyway, so she agrees. The sex is fantastic as she is bounced all over the room by the German, all the time blowing the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she's ever had and its several minutes before she gets her breath back enough to say 'That was great, what do you call it?'
The kinky German turns to her and says:
'Four-sprung duck technique'.    

Emma · 02-09-2003, 17:10

Whats the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?

The essex girl has a higher sperm count

IMY · 02-09-2003, 21:37

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."

Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

;D ;D ;D

IMY · 02-09-2003, 22:10

A Blonde Goes to the Library?  

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book.
A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter,
"This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian,

"So here is the person who took our phone book!"

;D

Why did the 2 gay ghosts get arrested?

The kept putting the willies up each other!
;D

IMY · 02-09-2003, 22:11

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The
doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father"

;D  

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups
his huge ear: "Do you want a bl%w job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and
smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

littlemo · 13-09-2003, 08:35

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into
motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to
her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

HarryX · 13-09-2003, 08:43

I doubt there are any wal-marts in this country but having heard of them before it didnt spoil an excellent joke which for once was originall.. certainly not heard it before

Nice one

Maybe change to the Arcade manager or something for UK audiences

littlemo · 13-09-2003, 08:53

more like asda as i believe walmart bought them out a couple of years ago

Mik Dickinson · 13-09-2003, 09:01

NEWSFLASH:-
Police have just found 4 new terrorist groups from Al khaeda in Liverpool.However the 4th one is suspect:-
1. Bin Stealing
2. Bin mugging
3. Bin drinking
4. Bin Working