Joke Of The Day

[Doug]

Cheers Mate....

[lettie]

[QUOTE=Tealeaf]

Originally Posted by lettie

Why Cucumbers are better than men

Lettie, do you like Marrows by any chance?

No, I hate marrow and besides, I get all the satisfaction I need from a gherkin......

[Sparkologist]

Originally Posted by lettie

No, I hate marrow and besides, I get all the satisfaction I need from a gherkin......

... ...

[Doug]

some poor bloke must be devastated.

Talk about under the thumb....I wouldn’t stand for that.....

[lettie]

Watching footy with my laptop on my knee, and couldn't resist posting this...


DVLA Newsflash: In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, it's now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and driving ability to display a warning flag.

The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) will be attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.

For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are required.

[Sparkologist]

Originally Posted by lettie

For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are required.

Drivers of zero ability are recommended to announce their prescence by hoisting their flags even higher... on CB arials for example

[Sparkologist]

It looks like Little Johnny has been up to his tricks again...


In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.

"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs," says his mother.

"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."

[lettie]

Sparky, you are sooooo tight. lol....

[Sparkologist]

Seeing that Little Johnny is sooooo popular...


Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrell!"

[lettie]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beaufiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans overe to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Peirre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers. "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I do down, I go down in flames!"

[Sparkologist]

Two for the price of one...


Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water.

The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?"

The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!"



Part II


The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."

[lettie]

A lonely divorced woman is getting a tad bored, so she decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man.

It goes something like this:
WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:
1. WILL NEVER RUN AWAY
2. WON'T BEAT ME UP
3. MUST BE GOOD AT SEX

After 6 months of letters and calls which are useless, she gets a ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her doormat with no arms and legs.

"What do you want?" she asks.

"Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't run away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up."

"What about the sex?" she says.

"How do you think I rang the doorbell!"


Hmmmm. Wonder if he has a brother..

[janet]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

[lettie]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands (and cheeks) together for ----

THE FART CHART

What type of farter are you??

VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart
AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
LAZY : Just fizzles
AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
IRREVERENT : Farts in church
SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts for later sniffing
STINGY : Belches to save his a*se hole
TIMID : Jumps when he farts
CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but sh*ts himself
FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
CONFUSED : Face is so much like an a*se, fart can't tell which way to go
GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
DUMB : Enjoys others' farts, thinks they are his own
CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
WISE GUY : Farts and asks who sh*t
DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
MUSICAL : Tenor or bass, clear as a bell, smells like sh*t and sounds like hell
ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
IMPUDENT : Farts out loud and then laughs
ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
INTELLECTUAL : Analyzes the smell of his neighbors' fart
WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles



A Guide to the Identification and Classification of British Farts

Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers..


Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent organism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride.


Carpet Creepers: Heavier-than-air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having already left the room.


Fizzlers: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often surprisingly effective on bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.


One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted sureptitious contributions, usually signified by the artist's telltale "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they possess satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.


Poohs: Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unacknowledged.


SBDs (Silent But Deadly): Consistant with the Law of the Conservation of Energy, what a SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about susupiciously.


Screamers: High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variation; most pleasurably exchanged among roommates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureacrat.


Squeegies: Small, immature and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.


Wet Ones (aka Brewers' Farts, grains and all, Fudgies, Playing Misty): Samples are accompanied by gutteral, rasping or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dread, then usually departs, walking funny.

[Sparkologist]

Some of those are a little close to home

We are not amused... Orf with his head


The Queen and Princess Di were driving down the road in their Range Rover when they were stopped and accosted by a modern day highway man.

"Hand over all your cash," he demanded of the Queen.

"My dear man," replied the Queen, "I am the Queen of all England, and therefore do not need to carry any money."

"OK, OK," he said, turning to Princess Di. "In that case you can hand over all of your jewels."

"I have no need for Jewels," she boasted, "for I am the most beautiful woman in England."

By this time the highway man was getting a bit p*ssed off. "Right then," he said, "get out of the car and I'll take that instead".

And shortly he was driving off into the sunset. Left sitting on the grass verge, Princess Di turned to the Queen and asked, "Where on earth did you hide all that money you were carrying?"

"I stuffed it up my snatch," laughed the Queen. "But what about you. Where did you manage to stash all your jewels."

"I stuffed them up my snatch as well," tittered Di.

"It's a shame Fergie wasn't with us," mused the Queen. "We might have been able to save the Range Rover."