Joke Of The Day - Page 44

Sparkologist · 07-07-2004, 16:18

...and another.

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary Elizabeth turns with a big smile on her face and says, "Mine does..."

AnotherJFK · 07-07-2004, 16:53

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the
light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned
the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed. The officer
asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. The officer replied that
all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an
officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now ‘cause I just shot them
all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of
course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

lettie · 07-07-2004, 17:15

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest. "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f**king morning!"

Sparkologist · 07-07-2004, 17:18

LOL... I can well imagine it

janet · 08-07-2004, 10:49

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull****. I gotta go home and f**k the cat."

lettie · 09-07-2004, 15:16

Johnny was working at the fishplant when he accidentally cut off all
ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room.

The doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have the fingers,and I'll
see what I can do."

Johnny said ,"I haven't got the fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2004. We've got
microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques, I could have
put them back on and made you like new.
Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Furious Johnny says, "How the f**k was I supposed to pick them up?!!!"

janet · 09-07-2004, 20:02

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

lettie · 10-07-2004, 15:12

Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old."

The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.

"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"

"I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.

The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears.

"How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!! "

"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation."

Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger ,"And who sent those?"

"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".

Sparkologist · 10-07-2004, 15:46

And what were his ears like? Jodrell Bank?

Quote:

Originally Posted by janet

"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

They also give him half a Viagra tablet first thing in the morning; so he doesn't p*ss on his slippers

Sparkologist · 10-07-2004, 18:50

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice.

"Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?"

A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."

So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

Sorry Mr Plod, Sir. It was too tempting to not post

sarnie boy · 10-07-2004, 19:56

2 flys are sittin on a piece of cr*p one farts the other says do you mind im eating my dinner

lettie · 10-07-2004, 20:01

Two flies on a piece of sh*t, one says to the other..
"I haven't seen you in a while."
The other says......
"Nah, I've been on't sick."......

Sparkologist · 10-07-2004, 20:07

Well, this thread is buzzin' tonight. here's another flies joke...

These two male flies were flying around the yard and noticed a beautiful female on the ground, sitting on some dog stuff. One of the male flies flew down and landed on one of the turd's next to the female fly and said, 'Is this stool taken?'

WINGY · 10-07-2004, 20:09

Two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other "can you smell carrots"

lettie · 10-07-2004, 20:24

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."