Joke Of The Day

[ellie]

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

[yerself]

Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
{Presumably this was just a skin graft, but if you see someone walking down the street with his head literally up his buttocks... **
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing","But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS:"Morning, George."

[Sparkologist]

The phrase "...k a duck" will never be the same again.

[Sparkologist]

Well, I suppose nurses are just as prone to making mistakes as the rest of us...


A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"?
Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse are my testicles black?"
Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says, "There is
nothing wrong with them."
Finally, the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and says, "That was very nice, but I asked, 'ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK'?"

[JohnW]

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, then they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets...

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying
Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"








"Ees... a... Ham Bush"

[ellie]

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the

bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm.

Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

[Doug]

Oh thats good, Thanks ellie. Just what I needed.

[Sparkologist]

Ellie! Shock, horror! I don't know how you have the nerve to post anything like that. I would never dare to post owt so tawdry and innuendo laden.

[ellie]

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
"Do you love your wife?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
"My country, sir."
"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"

"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

[lettie]

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big
showbiz party in his s****y new house.

everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of
movies and music, fashion and art.

There's the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne,
Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar,
Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light
My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with
Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out
of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up
with a good book.

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's
about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a
bit of the 'how's yer father?'"
"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you
get the gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly
bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when
in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that
service to me, do you?"

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What
the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end,
the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the
young one by
the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the face!
"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.
"I told you," Caine snarls.







"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

[Sparkologist]

That's my kecks on boil-wash again.


A Woman Goes To The Doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of a problem with her 'front passage'. After examining her, the doctors says, "You've got an infected aviary".

"Don't you mean an infected ovary?" replies the woman.

"Nope," says the doctor. "There's been a cockatoo up there!"

[accyplus]

A chap goes to the doctors complaining that he gets direrea very badly,
when do you notice it most asks the doctor?.

When I take my bicycle clips off says the chap.

[Sparkologist]

Duct tape, gaffer tape, tank tape... they all do the same job. They tape things down... tight!


Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," says Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but was too shy to?"

"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up. "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Dave. "When are you going out?"

"Well, I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible." says Dave.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

[JohnW]

Chinese Torture.
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[accyplus]

Did you watch university challenge last night.
Dublin Uni V Belfast Uni,they made a draw nowt apiece.