Joke Of The Day

[Doug]

hahahahaha - daft ******. Thanks Janet.

[JohnW]

How a Blonde's Garden Grows

A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous

[JohnW]

Sensitive men do exist


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they
connect, they end up leaving together. They get back
to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a
little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top
shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a
collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
side.

She turns to him ... they kiss...and then they
rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow,
the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was
it?"



The guy says



"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[AnotherJFK]

Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty
soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental
clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Linda honey, we've got
to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've
been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

[Bazf]

THE Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

[lettie]

An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.

The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.

While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also.

The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

[janet]

Labour Pains
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[lettie]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the 'street'."

[lettie]

A Yorkshire man, a sheep, and an alsatian were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After
being
there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every
evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the
breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat
there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Yorkshire man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
dog
got jealous, growling fiercely until the chap took his arm from around
the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but
there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold,
there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young
woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a
pretty
bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to
health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the
Yorkshire man
started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he
could,
but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously,
and
whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[yerself]

The Affair

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that in here now," the priest says

[ellie]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. After he finished the beer, he sits the empty bottle in front of him and orders another beer. The takes that beer and pours it on his hand. He does this two or three times and finally the bartender comes up to him and asks why he keeps pouring beer on his hand. The guy says, "I got to get my date drunk before I go home!"

[yerself]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[lettie]

This is a real groaner....







Two ants are playing a fast game of tennis in a saucer. After the game they sit on the edge of the saucer towelling themselves off and one ant turns around and says: "Mate, you'll have to improve your game for tomorrow."

The other ant asks: "Why?"

The first ant replies: "We're playing in the cup tomorrow."
</FONT>

[lettie]

The Christmas Present.....

A young man called Ron wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
Christmas present. As they had not been dating for very long, after careful
consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note;
not too romantic and not too personal.


Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a
dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself at the same time.


During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with
the following note:



Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would
have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that
are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them
from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks
and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she
looked really smart in them even though they were a little tight on her. She
also said that her pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny,
in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I
wish I was there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.


When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away
as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will
wear them for me on Friday night.


All my love.



Ron.



PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down and a little fur showing.

[WINGY]

How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day??

She goes out with a tampon behind her ear,
and she can't find her pencil.......