Joke Of The Day

[janet]

LOST BRAIN CELL.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which mistakenly wandered into a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Finally she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello......... we're down here.........." in the pants.

[lettie]

Hmmm, I've never done it like this before..

Two Hillbillies walk into the local bar to wash the dust from their
throats and grab a beer. They stand at the bar drinking a beer and
talking. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that
she is
in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin
ya
swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The
woman
begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The hillbilly walks over
to the
woman, lifts up the back of her dress yanks down her panties,
and runs
his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The
woman is
so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out
of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner
says,
"Ya know, I'd heard of that there hind-lick manoeuvre, but I ain't never
seen nobody do it.

[WINGY]

hehe i like that one Lettie.

[Sparkologist]

Here's a sick one for you...


Q. What's warm & soft when you go go to bed, but hard & stiff when you wake up?

A. Vomit.

[Sparkologist]

Who's a pretty boy then...


A man went to a pet shop and bought a very expensive African Grey talking parrot. He took the bird home and attempted to teach his new pet a few words, but instead, the bird obstiately refused and just swore back at him.
After a few hours wasted effort, the man said, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to shove you into the freezer as a punishment!" But the parrot carried on it's own sweet way, swearing and gobbing-off at it's new owner. "Right, that's it! You knew the score. In you go!" cried the man, in total frustration.
After about an hour, the man could hear a knocking sound from within the freezer. When he opened the door, the parrot very eloquently asked to be let out of it's solitary confinement. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer, it said, "I promise never to swear again. Just tell me what the turkey did!"

[Sara]

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,

"p..e..n..i..s"

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:



PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

[Sparkologist]

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

[lettie]

We've all been in a situation where we have to rely on a quick 'put-down' haven't we girls??

Read on.....

TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN

1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS

4. 51% love goddess...49% bitch. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO

6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you
can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.

[lettie]

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want
you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the
hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was
enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now
I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind
the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make
love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve
behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

[yerself]

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.'Who's he?' said the scouser. 'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply. The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'. The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.

[Sparkologist]

Not quite there yet, but from here I can see the bottom of the barrel...

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love," the guy said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," she replied. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But if you are, just get me something really expensive that I don't need."

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

[Sparkologist]

Remember Girls, all that glistens ain't necessarily gold.


The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"

"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff. You should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[Sparkologist]

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

The blind man screamed, "Because the sh*t is running down my back!"

[yerself]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[yerself]

No Milk Today

Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.