Joke Of The Day - Page 55

gedsgirl · 12-10-2004, 20:29

chris that made me laugh alot nice1

Sparkologist · 15-10-2004, 13:02

I've just scraped this from the off the bottom of the barrel.

I 've just got a wicked deal on e-bay... a wheelchair and a red cape for a tenner!

Don't blame me, point the finger at my usual source.

lettie · 15-10-2004, 17:14

Don't try to blame me for your sicko sense of humour Sparky..

I had absolutely nothing to do with that one folks....

Sparkologist · 15-10-2004, 17:19

You lying waz', Lettie.

I might have to strip you... of some karma, for gross and exaggerated perjury.

It's panto time folks... Oh Yes You Did!
I'm not denying that I have a terminally ill sense of humour, unlike some. Neither am I in denial regarding the source of this little gem.

Sparkologist · 15-10-2004, 19:20

Here's another one; only this time it's not sick... aww go on then, I admit it, just a little bit.

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

Sparkologist · 16-10-2004, 14:29

You Know how it is chaps. You come home after an extended session in the lusher, only to find the Light of your Life lying in wait behind the front door, brandishing a rolling pin. Read on and learn a lesson from the bitter experience of some poor, unfortunate soul...

"Get this," said the bloke to his mates. "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.
"Yeah. A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

...

......

...

...... I promise not to do it again, Lettie. Please don't hit me anymore!

staggeringman · 16-10-2004, 18:16

ITS HALLOWEEN AGAIN!
why do witches not wear knickers?
so they get a better grip on thier broom sticks.

staggeringman · 16-10-2004, 18:21

a man comes back from hunting with a deer over his shoulder!
he cooks it for their tea,
im not going to tell you what it is? but i will give you a clue?
its what mummy calls daddy sometimes.
little girl starts to scream and cry her eyes out,
dont eat it ...dont eat it she screams,
its an arsehole!....

Sparkologist · 17-10-2004, 12:22

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

"Oh, that's easy," he replied. "The dog's leash goes slack".

Sparkologist · 18-10-2004, 05:47

A new day, a new joke. Just enough time to pot a quickie...

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't sh*t on the floor.

Sara · 19-10-2004, 18:00

BAPTIST COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a
mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the
second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that
my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Darby · 20-10-2004, 13:23

80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a golfer & that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight & out golfing up and down the fairways.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning...and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure There's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grand-father's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Less · 20-10-2004, 15:41

I know I shouldn't do this but what the hey?

http://www.hyndburnlife.co.uk/roundabout/opencms/

Sparkologist · 20-10-2004, 17:04

Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor. "I'm constipated, Doc, he complains."

The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table." After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his ass, with a baseball bat. A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy off down the corridor to the toilet.

After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags!"

Sparkologist · 20-10-2004, 17:23

I've just happened on a few Oirish jokes. It would be selfish of me not to share them with you...

Paddy and Eileen are sixty-nining when Paddy says,
"Eileen, did you know that the Government spent 2 million on repairs to the President’s house last year?"
"Hell!" exclaims Eileen. "That's too much money."
"And," says Paddy, "did you know that one rape occurs every ten minutes in Dublin?"
"Hell!" replies Eileen. "Paddy, you know everything."
"Eileen," says Paddy, "Did you know that Enya had an operation to make her t*ts bigger?"
"Really!" says Eileen. "But Paddy?" She asks, "Even though you know everything, why are you telling me all this while we are having sex?
To which Paddy replies, " Remember last year, when you forgot to buy the toilet paper over the Christmas weekend, and we had to use newspaper?"
"Yes, I remember," says Eileen.
"Well," says Paddy, "you still have page 16 of The Irish Times stuck to your ar$e."