Joke Of The Day

[Acrylic-bob]

Welsh Joke

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

[bobthedj]

Try this 1

There was a lady from clayton who was a bit lonley through the day and needed a bit of company while her family was at work. She went to the local petshop and asked the shopkeeper about which pet would be the best for a tenner, the keeper showed her lots of animals but none of them suited her. As she was leaving the shop dissapointed ther was a squawk from a cage in the corner, "whats that she shouted"?
the shopkeeper said " it's a parrot i hav'ent been able to sell ", she smiled with joy " how much is it? "tenner" he said, she yelled "i'll have it". The shopkeeper told her that it got a bit cheeky now and then because it had come from a closed down brothel round the corner, but she made her mind up she was having it, she rushed home happily with her purchase. When she got home she put the cage on the table and took the cover off. the parrot flapped it's wings and squawked "new brothel new brothel" the lady yelled " this is a gods house i won't have such words like that spoken in this house". Two hours later, the ladies daughter arrived home from work, the parrot flapped it's wings and squawked " new brothel new prostitute " the lady went mad and give the parrot a good old earbashing. A hour later the womans husband comes home from work, the parrot looks up plapped it's wings and squawked " new brothel new prostitute same old customers".

[Sparkologist]

Today's lesson is that honesty isn't always the best policy. Read on, fellow Accywebbers...

On the cliff tops overlooking the river sat some old farm houses complete with outdoor toilets at the bottom of the garden.

One morning ,before school, three brothers were playing in the garden and daring each other to push the old toilet over the cliff and into the river. After much cajouling, the youngest one did just that, and watched the thunderbox float off downstream, towards the ocean.

That afternoon they were sitting round the table having a feed and their father asked who the bright spark was that tipped the dunny over the cliff. There was no answer forthcoming. "Let me tell you a story," he said to the boys:


"You have all heard of George Washington, the first President of America. Well once, when he was a boy, his father got all his children together and asked them who had cut down his favourite cherry tree. George stood up and said, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.' His father was so pleased with his honesty that he forgave him," recounted the father.

On hearing this the youngest boy stood up and said, "Dad, I was the one that pushed the dunny over the cliff and into the river."

When he heard his youngest's confession, the old man kicked the living sh*t out of the little sod.

"Why did you do that?" screamed the young 'un. "George Washington's dad didn’t hit him!"

"That's because George Washington’s dad wasn't up the f**king cherry tree at the time!"

[Sara]

The Morning After


Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks,"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - £100.00

Broken furniture - £200.00

Breakfast - £10.00

Saying the right thing - priceless


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Sparkologist]

Gawd. I wish Lettie could cook. I guess I'll have to make do with this instead...

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.

The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean," his new wife replies.

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook," his wife sobs.

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"

"Warming up your supper!" she replies.

[Sparkologist]

This probably why Prince Harry fluffed his art A-level exam...

Why art history is bullsh*t.

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of them had black wadgers, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink one. The curator of the gallery realised the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch!" ...........

[Sparkologist]

Never ever, not never, try to deceive Lettie. I did, and almost got away with it...


Shortly after I met Lettie, I was invited out for a "night out with the lads".
I told the Light of my Life that I would be home by midnight... I Promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the ale was going down easy, and at around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning, Lettie asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."

[MUMMIBOO]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruit.

The first came back and said to the king "i brought ten apples". The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruit up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten".

The first apple went in... but on the second he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second guy arrived and showed the king 10 berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought this would be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8 and on the ninthberry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The 1st guy and the 2nd guy met up in heaven. The 1st one asked "why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The 2nd replied "I could'nt help it i saw the 3rd guy comming with pineapples".

[Busman747]

Letter from a daughter

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

"It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with
my new boyfriend. I found real passion & he is so nice, with all his
piercings & tattoos & his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that Mum, I'm pregnant & Ahmed said that we will be
very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more
children with me & that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing it
for us & his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine &
ecstasies we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for
Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mum, I'm 15 years old
now & I know how to take care of myself.

Some day I'll visit for you to get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith X

PS: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my latest school report
that's in my desk drawer... I love you."

[Busman747]

dgdhdhdhgddhgdgdhdhgdg

[Busman747]

Reliant Robin

A guy driving a Reliant Robin pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Reliant Robin rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Robin!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Reliant Robin says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Robin!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Reliant Robin says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Robin!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Reliant Robin says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Robin! Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Robin, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Robin parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Robin. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly! The driver of the Robin looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that!"

[Sara]

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,
with a cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come
out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright
but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was
eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but
they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?'
asks Matthew.
'No Matthew. while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The
operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six
months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
'That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?'



'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'


--

[Doug]

Dear me Sara, that was terrible, just terrible…………..

[Sara]

This is even worst Doug.



One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name, so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and
get her.

My husband, (The complainer) said OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. And he reminded the vet that it was his wife that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my
husband "El-Cheap-O". My husband calls him "El-Take-O". They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had
obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God
knows who the father is"!

And he closed the door.

[Doug]

Originally Posted by Sara

This is even worst Doug

Yeah, you're not kidding.......lol.