Joke Of The Day

[Sara]

Don't know if this one has been posted earlier on, but have posted it anyway just in case.


The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the
casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry,
I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

[Mick]

Originally Posted by Sara

Don't know if this one has been posted earlier on, but have posted it anyway just in case.

yes it has Sara

[Sara]

[QUOTE=mick]yes it has Sara[/QUOTE

Oops.........

[Sara]

Subject: Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane.
In a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he
could barely contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother. "Mommy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I was at the playground and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
INTERESTING story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell him tonight."
At dinner mommy asked Little Johnny to tell Daddy his story. Mommy
listened closely as Little Johnny started telling his story about how
"...he saw the car go into the woods, then watched. Aunt Jane get
undressed, and then Aunt Jane laid down on the back seat ... and then
Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle
Bill use to do while daddy was in the army.
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt someone!

[Sparkologist]

This little tale just goes to show, it's not usually profitable to tell lies...

Ed decided to go skiing with his buddy, Leon. They loaded up Ed's Ford pickup and headed to northern Colorado. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explaine, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Ed said, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Ed got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Leon and asked, "Leon, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our ski holiday in Colorado?"
"Yes, I do." said Leon.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and sleep with her?" asked Ed.
"Well, uh, yeah," Leon said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name, instead of telling her your name?" asked Ed.
Leon's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

Ed replied, "No need to apologise, Leon. She died last month, and left me everything!"

[Sparkologist]

Kids are smart, but not necessarily wise. Read on, and find out why...


Children's answers to exam questions:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

[Bagpuss]

The Geography of a Woman:

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man:

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick

[lettie]

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but
unfortunately only four parachutes.
The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA
basketball
player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So
he
takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the
former
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in
the
world, a Senator in New York and one of America's potential future
Presidents." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W Bush, says, "I am the President of the
United
States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And
apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of
the
country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes
a
parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a
10-year-old
schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good
person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute."
The boy replies, "No problem your holiness, there is also a parachute
for you.
America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

[Sparkologist]

A scouser says to the prostitute, "How much is it love?"
She replies, "25 quid."
So the scouser says, "Do it my way and I'll give ya 35 quid."
The tart replies. "What way's that then scouse?"
He replies, "Errrrr... 50p a week?"

[Sparkologist]

Another one that's short and sweet...

'I called my son David,' said the Welshman, 'because he was born on St David's day.'
'Ay, and I called my son Andrew,' added the Scot, 'because he was born on St Andrew's day.'
'Yes,' said Murphy. 'I did exactly the same with my son, Pancake!'

[lettie]

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

One of the bank's employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Chinese man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Sparkologist]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defence of herself.

"Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

[Sparkologist]

The old Admiral goes into a bar and meets a Prostitute.
After a few drinks she invites him back to her place, which is up several flights of stairs.
Finally, puffing and panting, he is in her bedroom and they get down to 'doing the business'. He says to her, "How am I doing My Dear, How am I doing? "
She says, "You're doing three knots, Admiral."

He says, "What do you mean My Dear. What do you mean?"
She says. 'You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back!

[Sparkologist]

It's been a while since we've had a sick joke or two on Accyweb, so I'll start things off...


A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking out etc.

A couple more weeks passed by before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Scottish."
The other patient signalled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Irish."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the Scotsman summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."
Again the Irishman replied, in a weedy frail voice, "Dublin."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.

Days passed before the Scotsman managed to again point to himself and say, "Jimmy."
The Irishman motioned to himself, and said, "Paddy."

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer".
Paddy responded, "Sagittarius."

[lettie]

Here's one for you footie fans out there......

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were
eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for
lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium." Ronaldo opened his
lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too." Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham &
Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping
too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham
opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the skinny ar$eless bint wearing oversized
sun glasses and trailer trash trucker baseball cap. "Hey, don't look at
me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."