Joke Of The Day

[lettie]

The dangers of drugs eh!!!


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few
joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to
get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks
up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water did
you drink?!!"

[IggyWiggy]

janet do you want a battle

[Busman747]

THE PERFECT COUPLE

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of

the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.



Not wanting to disappoint any children on this eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon, they were driving along delivering the toys.



Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident……..



QUESTION: Who was the survivor?

(scroll down for answer)







































ANSWER: The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man……



Women, stop reading here, that is the end of the joke, Men, keep scrolling….



















So if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident…. (men keep scrolling)







































By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re still reading, this illustrates another point: WOMEN NEVER LISTEN

[Sara]

[/B]Christmas is here soon, be careful with the labels on your presents[B]


A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday. They
> hadn't been going out very long so he thought long and hard
> before remembering that on their last couple of dates she had
> complained her hands were cold. So he decided a pair of gloves
> might be appropriate, not too personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful.
>
> Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods
> and he bought a stylish pair of cream-colored leather gloves.
> At the same time, the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both
> asked for their purchases to be gift-wrapped.
>
> Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left
> with the gift-wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister
> left with the gloves.
>
> The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his
> present in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house
> she wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front door
> accompanied by the following note:
>
> Happy Birthday Darling,
> I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in
> the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it
> not been for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white
> buttons, but she wears short ones & they're easier to pull off
> I was worried because they're a delicate shade but the shop assistant
> showed me the pair she's worn for the past 3 weeks & they're hardly
> soiled at all.
> I had her try on yours & 'though a little tight, they looked really
> smart. She said that the material helps keep her ring clean & shiny & in
> fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them. I wish you'd
> been there so I could've put them on for you myself, as no doubt
> many hands will come in contact with them before I see you again. Just
> think how many times I'll hold them in my hand over the coming year.
> When you take them off, remember to blow into them, as they will
> be a little damp from wearing. I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday
> night.
> All my love,
>
> Will
> XXX
>
> P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
> showing

[staggeringman]

there is a little lad born with no eyelids.

The doctor says they can fix this by operation using old 4 skins.
his mother is worried sick it will make him cockeyed.

[Sparkologist]

Jeez'us Stagger', even Basil Brush would have blushed if he told that one.

[staggeringman]

a chicken and an egg were lying in bed.
the chicken was smoking with a smug grin,but
the egg was looking pi...d off.
the egg looks at the chicken and says
well i guess we finally answered that question!!!

[Fearon1]

some quality jokes ppl keep em comin

[staggeringman]

i have just been arerested for being the ugliest person in britain.
can one of you come to the police station,
andshow them its a mistake!!!

[Less]

Originally Posted by staggeringman

i have just been arerested for being the ugliest person in britain.
can one of you come to the police station,
andshow them its a mistake!!!

Only if I can bring a mirror to comfort you in your hour of need, (fair cop govener it's me is what you should have said).

[staggeringman]

two irish couples decide to swap partners.
after making lo.e for 4 hrs,
paddy turns round to mick and says,
i wonder how the women are going on!!!

[staggeringman]

A man goes out hunting and kills a deer,
he takes it home and cooks it for dinner,
he does not tell the kids what it is.
he tells them its what mummy calls daddy sometimes,
the little girl starts to scream and shout,
crying her eyes out!
dont eat it ....dont eat it!!!!she screams
its a f......ng ar....hole !

[Doug]

Oh Staggers that is brill...........cheers.

[Less]

Originally Posted by staggeringman

she screams
its a f......ng ar....hole !

Nice one ace-hole

[Bazf]

Hear about the 2 Irish Homosexuals?

John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn.
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dyslexic SAS guy broke in to the Zoo and freed the Ostriches.
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