Joke Of The Day - Page 6

lettie · 16-09-2003, 19:48

[smiley=lol.gif] [smiley=lol.gif]

Nice one Mick.

Mik Dickinson · 16-09-2003, 19:51

[quote author=mick link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=50#69 date=09/14/03 at 22:00:38]
the end

[/quote]

Thanks Mick now i know as well  ???

lettie · 17-09-2003, 19:48

:

   Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they died.

  1st woman - I froze to death

  2nd woman - How horrible!

  1st woman - It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 2nd woman - I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead I found him in the living room watching TV.

  1st woman - So what happened?

  2nd woman - I was so sure that there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, then down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I'd looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted that I keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman - Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive.

flashman · 17-09-2003, 20:35

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted.

"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just give me something with diamonds in it."

So I'm giving her a deck of cards!

Ruud · 19-09-2003, 09:03

Heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to santa

;D ;D ;D ;D

Emma · 19-09-2003, 09:51

One Dyslexic says to the other "can you smell gas?" other replies "smell gas i cant even smell my own name"

IMY · 24-09-2003, 21:17

 
This is quite amazing!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro

;D ;D ;D

flashman · 25-09-2003, 02:51

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important  their children are.

 The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a  room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he  walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

 The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son  is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hardbodied, well hung, male  stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh My God...."

Mick · 25-09-2003, 11:45

good one [smiley=lol.gif]

jason · 28-09-2003, 18:37

whats green and smells of pork??

kermits finger

littlemo · 28-09-2003, 22:31

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
&gt; &gt; &gt; Chicken Little to her class.  She came to the part of the story where
&gt; &gt; &gt; Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
&gt; &gt; &gt; She read, "....  and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
&gt; &gt; "The
&gt; &gt; &gt; sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
&gt; &gt; &gt; The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
&gt; &gt; &gt; think that farmer said?"
&gt; &gt; &gt; One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
&gt; &gt; &gt; 'Holy ****!  A talking chicken!'"
&gt; &gt; &gt; The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

malibu · 30-09-2003, 22:10

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into
the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped
in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.

When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he
immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you
were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you
saved, hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom. I am so
sorry, but she's dead."

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry."

littlemo · 04-10-2003, 00:07

A little boy was doing his math homework.  He said to
&gt; &gt; himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.  Three plus six,
&gt; that
&gt; &gt; son of a bitch is nine...."
&gt; &gt; His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What
&gt; &gt; are you doing?"
&gt; &gt; The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is
&gt; how
&gt; &gt; your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
&gt; &gt; "Yes," he answered.  Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher
&gt; &gt; the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The
&gt; &gt; teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
&gt; &gt; The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
&gt; &gt; plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
&gt; &gt; After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
&gt; &gt; taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

flashman · 04-10-2003, 19:20

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his
bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".  
But after a lot of nagging, Dad agrees and says, "OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks,
"Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son a full explanation of the 'facts of life'.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks "So  what is it you've been watching then Son?"

And Johnny replies,
"Wimbledon."

Mik Dickinson · 05-10-2003, 19:30

Bloke is going through the ads because he wants his porch painted.He finds a company that is willing to do the job for 50 quid.Provided he buys the paint for the job.On the day a young buxom blonde woman turns up wi all the gear to paint.
The bloke asks how long it will take to which he gets the reply about 4 hours.
He cannot believe it and stipulates  that the dael is only for 50 quid.She verifies that fact.This is when the bloke notes taht the blonde bombshell speaks with a foreign accent.Never mind he thinks to himself cheap at half the price! So he tells her he will be back in 4 hrs time.
4 hrs later he walks in to the living room as the woman is just walking in.
She says there was 2 much paint so she gave it all a 2nd coat.Graet he says.
By the way it is not a Porsch, it is a Lexus she says