Joke Of The Day - Page 60

Sparkologist · 25-11-2004, 20:22

This just goes to show, the answer you're expecting isn't always the one you'll get...

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi, gorgeous. I'm a tonsil."

staggeringman · 25-11-2004, 20:34

taffy gets marooned on a island
with his faithful sheepdog and one sheep,
they all go down to the beach every night
and watch the sunset,
this particular night taffy feels horney,
and puts his arm around the sheep,
the dog growls at taf who quickly
removes his arm,so they retire to bed.
on the beach the next day they come across
a body! one of the most beautiful woman ever seen,
taffy leans down and she is still breathing so
they take her back to the hut and start to nurse
her back to health she starts to get better and
the beautiful woman asks what they do to stop
boredom? so taffy tells her they go down to the
beach every night to watch the sunset!
they all go down to the beach and watch the sunset
every night, one night the sunset is so beautiful
that both the woman and taffy are horney as hell.
she turns to him and says how can i repay you for
saving my life....taffy turns round and says take that
bleeding dog for a walk!!

Sparkologist · 26-11-2004, 15:36

Here's a cautionary tale, if any of you folks venture out to Chester Zoo, don't mess with the inmates...

Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his 'nads a squeeze.
The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.
A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman said, "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed.
"Well," said the keeper, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine, 'cause I have to catch the damn thing"!

Less · 26-11-2004, 16:29

http://joecartoon.atomfilms.shockwav...pages/joefish/

Enjoy!

Sparkologist · 26-11-2004, 17:47

There are some good cartoons on the Joe Cartoon website. I think they started off with the Frog in a Blender sketch.

Here is another funny one. Sid the Sexist would be proud of this: http://joecartoon.atomfilms.shockwav...s/nannahooter/

staggeringman · 26-11-2004, 20:19

its took three weeks for the results of fred dibnah to come out and they are still argueing. 1.says it was cancer....cus he smoked like a chimney
2. says it was veneral disease...cus he messed about with flues ,and the third said it was his age he ran out of steam!

Sparkologist · 26-11-2004, 20:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by staggeringman

its took three weeks for the results of fred dibnah to come out and they are still argueing. 1.says it was cancer....cus he smoked like a chimney
2. says it was veneral disease...cus he messed about with flues ,and the third said it was his age he ran out of steam!

Pee'd me pants there, Stagger'

Sparkologist · 28-11-2004, 21:27

Christmas time is upon us. This means one thing; party time!

A high-class dress party is in full flow when suddenly a gorgeous blonde woman walks in...completely nude. The alarmed host rushes to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hisses through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she explains. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host explodes. "You don't even have a c*ck!"
"Oh I don't know," she replies, "give me a few minutes..."

Sparkologist · 29-11-2004, 19:25

Little Johnny has been in detention for a while... BUT NOW HE'S BACK!

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "Oh, No, Miss Rogers! You're thinking of a blowjob."

Sparkologist · 30-11-2004, 20:01

Baby making; it can be so much fun...

A young, married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation; a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

lettie · 01-12-2004, 08:56

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She

asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you
but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to
be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are
you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween party..

staggeringman · 01-12-2004, 17:52

what as peter andre and yasser arafat got in common?????????
they are both stiff in jordan!!!!

staggeringman · 06-12-2004, 20:04

How Does A Blonde Turn The Light On??????
She Opens The Car Door!!!

Sparkologist · 06-12-2004, 20:53

'Tis the season to be jolly, so without further ado... a jolly seasonal joke.

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Sparkologist · 06-12-2004, 21:15

You know when you're waiting for a bus, then three turn up at once? Well it's just the same with Santa jokes...

A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"
Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the stock market collapse and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."
"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."
"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"
The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?"