Joke Of The Day

[yerself]

The real 3 bears story



This should put an end to the Three Bears conflict....



Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#%^*ING PORRIDGE YET!!"

[Terry]

Why did the pervert cross the road?

'cos his d**k was still in the chicken.

[fibi]

that was excellent made all the office laugh!!!!!!

[fibi]

Went to buy some camouflage pants today!!!


But couldn't find any!!!!!

[Sparkologist]

A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."
So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is.
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.
So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do."
He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road.
Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you silly little blue queer, what f**king planet are you from, and what do you want?"
And the little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please..."


See, the trucker was right first time.

[yerself]

Paddy Vs Saddam



Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"

Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Begorra!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified out Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam is silent for a minute, then sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

[Sara]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."

[Bazf]

A guy walking down the road sees a little man sitting on a rock with his head in his hands resting on his knees,

Are you a goblin?

No just tired.

[lettie]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.

Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.



He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him.

Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.



Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.



Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees

[Sparkologist]

The Irish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed. And an hour later, she returned, all excited.
"You should see the flavours they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana..."
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.

[Sara]

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his >opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African >ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best >hospitality that Russia had to offer. > >On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your >stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional >game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is >loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull >the trigger." > >This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a >warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took >their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. > >Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of >relief. > >The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and >thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due >to visit his country the next year. > >When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with >all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a >private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time >for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the >Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning >and naked women. > >The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful >members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral >sex - take your pick". > >The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't >see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, >but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" > >With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: > >"One of them's a cannibal." >

[staggeringman]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

[Sara]

A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: May I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.

Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers
please?

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car
and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
police sergeant slowly approaches the car, clasping his half
drawn gun.

Sergeant: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Sergeant: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Sergeant: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car
please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Sergeant: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is quite stunned.

Sergeant: My officer claims that you do not have driving license.

The woman digs into her hand bag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the second officer. The sergeant snaps open the clutch
purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Sergeant: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner

Woman: I'll bet the lying ba-----d told you I was speeding, too.

The Moral of the Story: Women. Don't mess with them.

[staggeringman]

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

[yerself]

Job Description



Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters,
orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...



Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession !
Dave: - Oh !What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a ****er.