Joke Of The Day

[staggeringman]

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!'

[whitty]

What happens when you have dated a woman for longer than a year??


She Develops Dysons disease!

She makes a continuous whining noise and does not suck any more.

[staggeringman]

A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.

"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why?" he asked.

"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said. After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."

[Less]

There were three young boys they were best friends, one Church of England, One Catholic & the third was Jewish. They met up to play on Boxing Day the two Christian boys were talking about the wonderful presents that they had received the day before, then they realized their friend wasn't saying much, one of the Christians turned to him & said how sorry they were to be talking about something that the Jewish boy doesn't celebrate. The other young lad put on a beaming smile & said, "It's not a problem my family celebrate every Christmas".

This Surprised the Christians so they aked him how he celebrates Christmas, "well," he said, "as you know my Father owns the largest toy store in town, so every Christmas morning he puts the family into his Rolls Royce takes us down to the ware-house where we look at all the empty shelves sing two verses of we got a friend in Jesus, get back into the Rolls Royce and go and have Christmas Lunch at the best Restaurant in town!"

[Sparkologist]

This Joke of the Day thread has been far to quiet lately. Let's bring it back to life, eh?

The aircraft carrier U. S. S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at homeport when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags.

He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?"

The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."

Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge.

The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"

"Seaman!" shouted the Captain. "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir; and she wants to eat first!"

[Sparkologist]

Bang goes my theory about gooseberry bushes...

Modern Version Of The Birds And The Bees:

One day, father and son were talking...

Little Cyrus said, "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad replied, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
We made a network connection, and as soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and it was too late to hit the delete button.
As a result, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male."

[staggeringman]

Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with zip.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching.

[Bazf]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[slinky]

hahaha i like it

[Tinkerbelle]

LOL!!! I like it!!!

Originally Posted by Bazf

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[Sara]

Originally Posted by Sparkologist

This Joke of the Day thread has been far to quiet lately. Let's bring it back to life, eh?

Quite agree with you there Sparkologist. So here goes.


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

[Sparkologist]

Well, in reply to the request to rev up the Joke of the Day thread, here goes...

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.
Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"
The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

[lettie]

The hospital psychiatrist was having a family session with four mothers and their children. He told the mothers that they all had obsessions. which they were continuing through their children and he was here to help and offer advice.
To the first he told her she was obsessed with money and so much he noted that she had called her child Penny and was to book an appointment with the bank manager as soon as possible

To the second he talked about her obsession with eating and pointed out to her it went so far that she had even called her child Candy.He told her to go see the dietician

To the third mother he suggested that she join AA to help overcome her obsession with alcohol and calling her child Brandy might not have been the best idea.

At this point the fourth mother takes her child by the hand and whispers to him "come on Dick lets go home"

[Sparkologist]

I apologise if this joke puts anyone off their tea.

There were three guys hitchhiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow.

One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?" Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.

The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."

The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."

The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right."

The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk."

The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?"

[slinky]

omg dave that is funny even though this would happen to me NICE ONE MATE