Joke Of The Day - Page 63

Bazf · 12-01-2005, 03:39

AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.
He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Sparkologist · 13-01-2005, 20:03

This joke is for everyone who is young at heart.

It was their 50th wedding anniversary and the elderly couple, in their 70's, decided to relive the honeymoon.

When they arrived at the hotel where they had stayed that first night they found the lobby full of people. They made there way up to the desk and were informed that there was a convention in town. Luckily they had made a reservation in advance requesting the same room. They went up to the room, unpacked, then went down into the dining room and had a fine meal; ordering the same food and wine and after dining returned to their room. The husband, as he had done before, ordered champagne from room service. As they were preparing for bed the wife, slightly intoxicated said, "Honey, remember our first night? You stood by the door, I stood over by the window, and we ran to each other and I jumped up right into your arms."
"How can I forget?" he said, "you looked so beautiful."
"Let's do it that way again."
"No way," he said, "we're to old for that foolishness now,"
"Nonsense." she replied, backing up to the window.
"Okay," he said, "why not?" They took off all their clothes, she hollered go, and they ran at each other, and missed. She hit the door with a bang, and he went flying out the window. As luck would have it, the room was only on the second floor and the old man landed in a dumpster full of cardboard boxes. He was shaken up a bit, but unhurt. He began looking around to see what he could find to cover himself with. There was nothing. Just then a bellhop came around the corner. He called him over and asked him to get a robe or a towel, anything so he could get back to his room.
The bellhop said, 'Come with me now and I'll take you through the lobby."
"The lobby!" he said, "It's crowded with people and I'm naked."
"No problem," said the bellhop, there's no one in the lobby. If we hurry no one will see you."
The old man said, "Where did all the people go?"
The bellhop answered, "Oh, they're all up on the second floor, watching the hotel doctor try to pry some old lady off a doorknob."

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:06

A blond lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to
see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in
the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he
was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he
was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but
what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the
newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize
was to be outstanding in your field."

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:07

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting
in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor.
During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor
asked her to tell about herself.
She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had."
The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.
After the brunette left in a snit, a blond sat in the chair. The
professor asked him to tell something of his life.
He began, "I think -"
The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:08

There's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new,
candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio
blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is
carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her
disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that
she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to
within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her
on his *ss, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks
like a wave and she waves back.
Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer
and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more
visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his *ss,
and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a
circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs
her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees
to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and
pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the
Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he
is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000
pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks
over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is
rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why
are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!" She is
laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out,
"While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:08

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the
paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari."

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:10

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she
decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd
of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take
one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked
at the herd for a second and then replied "382." "Wow." Said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take
home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:11

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:15

A boy walks into his parents room to find his mom jumping on his dad so he runs back into his room. His mom followed him and asks, "Whats wrong, sweetie?" The boy asks, "What were you doing to daddy?" So she says, "Well sweetie you know your daddy has gotten really fat, so I was just flattening his belly for him" The boy replies, "Well what is the point if the neighbor comes over after you leave for work and blows it back up again?"

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:19

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing
poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind
them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd
like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all
have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the
bottom of the river."
The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it,"
said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing
hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the
other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:20

A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a tv. After
a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want
to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we
don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home.
She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this
television." she says to the salesman, getting the same response;
"Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated.
She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving
no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store,
she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase
this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman
replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she
cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and
even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well,
Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!"

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:21

A blond couple goes to a doctor to see if there is any medical
reason for the decreased sex drive that has keep them celibate
recently. After tests, the doctor tells them that everything
is perfectly normal. He tells them that people married as long
as they have been typically just get bored, and need to think
of some creative ways of adding some spice to their sex life.
On her next visit to the mall, the wife recalls what the doctor
said, goes into Victoria's Secret, and buys a pair of crotchless
panties. She puts them on when she gets home and waits in the
bedroom for her husband to arrive. When the husband comes into the
bedroom, she points at herself and says, "You want some of this?"
His reply: "No way! Look what it did to those panties!"

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:22

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In
the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The
lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm
sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blonds laying sod
across the street."

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:23

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their
arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for
airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning,
as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed
the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the
hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the
phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't
get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess
replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is
the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
'Do Not Disturb'!"

Beccas_Baby · 17-01-2005, 01:23

The three finalists in the Women's Olympic swim meet were all novices
to international competition. However, all had excelled during the
early going, and after several heats the score was tied; the first
match employing the breast stroke would decide the winner. The gun
sounded, and the three young women dove into the water. Nancy
finished first, crossing the pool in five seconds flat; Jean finished
less than half a second later. Bringing up the rear was Mary, a blonde,
who finished a full ten seconds after the others. As she completed the
lap and climbed from the pool, she sputtered, "I protest! The other
women were using their arms!"