Joke Of The Day

[Beccas_Baby]

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on
and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the
headphones o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback
- but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned
and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever
you do ... don't touch the headphones." "No problem," said the
hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the
restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't
forget - don't touch the headphones," said the blonde. Well, just as
the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted
one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on
the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her," screamed
the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself.
She heard the strangest thing... "breathe in...breathe out...
breathe in...breathe out."

[Beccas_Baby]

Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blond guys were facing execution via
firing squad. The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader
said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the brunettes yelled, "Earthquake!!!"
The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to
figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all
took off and escaped. Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next,
and the leader again said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the redheads
yelled, "Tornado!!!" The firing squad looked around anxiously and while
they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from,
the redhead guys all took off and escaped. The firing squad took the blond
guys last, and by now the blonds had it all figured out; when the right time
came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing
squad leader said "Ready, aim ... ", the blond guys all yelled out, "Fire!!!"

[Beccas_Baby]

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he
shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows
his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks
her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be
too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!
Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a
picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up
with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think
hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well,
that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while
I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the
room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his
computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow!
I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[Beccas_Baby]

Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally - occurring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphragm - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-Jewish origins
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you're out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden

[Mick]

vampire walks into a bar and asks for a glass of hot water. The barman says "i thought vampires only drunk blood" the vampire replies "they do, but i found a used tampon and fancied a brew!.........

[Sara]

Oh Mick that is disgusting, right put me of my tea. Now i wonder where i left my mobile.

[Sparkologist]

The only thing I can say is, it made me laugh.

This bloke has been out with a couple of mates and is walking home at about 2am when all of a sudden around the corner comes this big 'low loader' truck with an elephant chained on the low section.
Two blokes jump out, unchain the elephant and run it thru' the back wall of a large jewellery store, smashing a massive hole in the wall.
The bloke just stands there amazed at what is happening.
The gang are into the jewellers and out again with all the loot, load up the elephant and with all the alarm bells ringing the 'low loader' takes off like a rocket.
Two minutes later the law are on the scene and the bloke is still standing there stunned.
"OK sir, can you tell us exactly what happened here?"
"Here I am just walking home quietly when this 'low loader' with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner, two blokes jump out and undo the elephant and run it right through that brick wall."
"Been drinking, have we sir?"
"I beg your pardon but I don't drink, thank you."
"Alright sir, now lets get this straight, in your own words once again if you please."
"I'm walking home, minding my own business, not having been drinking when all of a sudden this 'low loader' truck with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner and two blokes unchain the elephant and run it right into that wall and then they rush in, grab all the loot, chain the elephant back on the truck and take off, I've never seen anything like it in my life."
"Well sir, in your own time and in your own words of course, do you think you could tell us, for the record, you understand, was this an African elephant or an Indian elephant?"
He said, "How the f*ck do I know? it had a stocking over it's head!"

[Sparkologist]

I like pussies. Do you like pussies too? Would you like me to tell you a joke about pussies? Aww, go on then!

Three female cats were bragging about their kittens.

The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat."

The third cat said nothing.

The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese."

The third cat still said nothing.

Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?"

She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."

[slinky]

A woman is on ward 8 recovering from a fanny tuck when she recieves three bunches of flowers, one off her husband, one of the surgeon and one off eric on the burns unit thanking her for his new ears

[Mick]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

[Busman747]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day.

The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

>"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"

A little French Chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face.

Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid,

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous

>German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the

little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," said the waiter, "it just goes to show.

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That Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais, with mild green hairy lip squid

[Sparkologist]

Dear oh dear, Busman. That little green hairy-lipped squid wasn't the only one that cringed during that joke!

[lettie]

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is
standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you
tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm
completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She
doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on
sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all
that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she
opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like
a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there
is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man
rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for £44. How did you get to £58.50? " He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and
reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

[Darby]

Originally Posted by lettie

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is
standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you
tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm
completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She
doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on
sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all
that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she
opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like
a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there
is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man
rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for £44. How did you get to £58.50? " He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and
reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

....Like it!!!!!!!!!!

[IMY]

lol that is a good one