Joke Of The Day - Page 65

IMY · 01-02-2005, 11:55

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down, and retreats.

The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has
seen, she dresses Quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mum and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help to flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mum puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."

Terry · 01-02-2005, 12:02

After a heavy night on the town, Paddie staggered into his local church and sat down in the confessional. The priest notices and goes into the one next door. After a few minutes of silence the priest bangs on the partition to get Paddies attention. Paddie says to him 'It's no good banging mate, there's no paper in here either'

Busman747 · 01-02-2005, 16:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by IMY

A little boy walks into.....

Nice one IMY..

Busman747 · 01-02-2005, 16:25

Two Italians In The U.S.A.

An elderly American woman overhears a conversation between two Italian immigrants. One is saying to the other:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."

The elderly woman hits out at the two men ferociously with her umbrella and says "You are disgusting! How can you talk about such things openly in public?"

One of them turns to her and says:
"Wassa da matter? alla I askin my friend is howa ya spell Mississippi"

Dean · 07-02-2005, 13:18

nice...............

slinky · 08-02-2005, 10:21

hahahahahha nice one

Bazf · 09-02-2005, 22:09

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally one club and two balls)

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely careful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course. Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

slinky · 09-02-2005, 23:38

hehehehe nice one Bazf

slinky · 14-02-2005, 16:46

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman .
For the final test , the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. '' we must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find..............your wife!! sitting in a chair, kill her!!''. The man gasped and said '' I can't kill my own wife!!'', the agent replied ''well you are not the person we are looking for, take your wife and go home''.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun entered the room and all was quiet for five minutes then he came out of the room and stood there with tears in his eyes, the man said '' I tried but I just could'nt kill my wife, I love her''. The agent replied ''well you are not the person we are looking for, take your wife and go home''.

Finally it came to the womans turn. She was given the same instructions as the men, to go in and kill her husband. She took the gun and entered the room. Shots were heard, one after the other, then there was loud crashing and banging against the door and walls then, everything went quiet and the door opened slowly. The woman appeared with sweat dripping from her brow, the agent asked ''well??'' The woman replied '' that gun was firing blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair''.

MORAL: woman are evil, don't mess with us!!!!!

Tinkerbelle · 14-02-2005, 16:49

Nice one!! Now i know why you saved it for on here lol!!

Sara · 14-02-2005, 17:54

Who says women are evil?

janet · 14-02-2005, 18:04

Excellent Stuff Slinky.

Busman747 · 23-02-2005, 17:21

An attractive young woman walks up to a bar in a rural pub. She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks running her fingers through his hair. "No" he replies "Can you get him for me?" she asks, stroking his face and allowing two fingers to slip seductively into his mouth so he can suck them gently "No, sorry" he replies, clearly aroused, "Can I give him a message?"

"Yes" she says, "Tell him there's no toilet roll in the ladies!""

slinky · 23-02-2005, 17:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Busman747

An attractive young woman walks up to a bar in a rural pub. She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks running her fingers through his hair. "No" he replies "Can you get him for me?" she asks, stroking his face and allowing two fingers to slip seductively into his mouth so he can suck them gently "No, sorry" he replies, clearly aroused, "Can I give him a message?"

"Yes" she says, "Tell him there's no toilet roll in the ladies!""

omg that is sooooooooo.........................funny pmsfl (might try that if anyone crosses me)

Sparkologist · 23-02-2005, 18:11

Even Mr Tealeaf would have to try hard to offend more folks than this joke in one sitting.

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.

Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"

"Aye," he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are, Jock."

"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."

"Aye, I know that."

"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."

"Aye I am that"

"Well, the board have decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."

"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete Google Page Ranking*ck to be a Scotsman!"

Go on, Mr Tealeaf, Sir. Let's see if you can out perform this.