Joke Of The Day

[Busman747]

Groaner

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepestdreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . "





Wait for it.








It's coming.






The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says :



"You just happened to catch my eye. "


(oh shut up, I just forward them, I don't write them! )



__________________

[slinky]

lmfao rabbit!!

[Busman747]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and
all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a
dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens
until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy," said the teacher.

Oh no, here's little Johnny with his hand up.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had
was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank
the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the
blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

__________________

[Veecore]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo!

[slinky]

Originally Posted by Veecore

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo!

hehehehehe the silly one's are always the funniest!!

[Dean]

Originally Posted by IMY

A little boy walks into his parents room.......

nice one IMY

[Busman747]

Irish toast.......

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"



That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"



John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."



She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[MITZY]

Another Joke
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh , c'mon , I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before , he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh , surprise -- out popped a genie.
The genie asked , as genies will , “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second , then replied , “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish , and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process , the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said , “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof , he was there.
Then the government worker -- or , as I like to call him , civil servant -- decided on his third wish , “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.

[slinky]

Lunch time
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.

The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's husband said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldn't jump off." The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off." They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said:" Don't look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!"

[slinky]

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

[slinky]

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn''t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived. Who died and who lived? The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren''t real.

[slinky]

You Can Take it With You
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Dean]

lmao.........

[Dean]

A man walked into a bar with a bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the bar. The bartender asked "What's in the bag?"

The man reached into the bag and pulled out a small piano and stool and put them on the bar. He again reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about one foot tall and set him on the counter. He sat down at the piano and played a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" said the bartender.
The man responded by again reaching into his bag and pulling out a magic lamp. He handed the lamp to the bartender and said "Here, rub it."

The bartender rubbed the lamp and there was a gust of smoke and a genie stood before him. "I will grant you ONE wish only" said the genie.

The bartender got excited and without hesitation said "I want a million bucks".
A few moments later a duck walked into the bar. It was soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon the bar was filled with ducks, and they kept coming.

The bartender turned to the man and said "I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"I know." said the man; "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[slinky]

The FIFA BOARD has decided that girls should be GOALKEEPERS for the SOCCER WORLD CUP, because, no matter how wide open they are they never let the balls in.