Joke Of The Day

[Sparkologist]

Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous."
"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.
Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.
"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.
The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Bob? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"
Bob opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

[Sparkologist]

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology "How do you determine if a patient is cured."
The psychologist explains. "We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster."

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"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."

Come on now, hands up, who was debating whether to use the spoon or the cup to empty the bath?

[rockrabbit]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don'tget some supportsoon, people will think we're nuts."


five tips for women
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[shiny gem]

lmao!!!!!!!

[Busman747]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married ."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

[Busman747]

Tell me this won't happen to us!!! Wishful thinking!
_______________________________________

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steeringwheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in,
"So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________

SUPERSEX

An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,

"I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENTCENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_________________________________ ______

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went
on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She
was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

[WillowTheWhisp]

Two drunks staggering down the street singing at the tops of their voices, finally stop outside a house where they increase their volume yet further with renditions of "Nelly Dean" and "I did it my way"

An upstairs window opens and a woman leans out.

"Fred Smith! You get inside here this instant! Showing me up in front of the whole neighbourhood!

And as for you Joe Brown your wife will not be pleased to see you in that condition!"

There is a pause in the singing. The two men look at each other and then up at the woman.

"Well?" she continues "Are you coming inside or staying out there all night?"

The two drunks look at her again in silence and then at each other.

One of them finally speaks "Can you tell us which one of us is Fred?"

[yerself]

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of A Bitch!

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch Fish!"

"Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch Fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of A Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's din ner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You buggers are my kind of people!"

[Busman747]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up."

> 2 young boys are in their room... "You know what?" says the first boy, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The other nods his head in approval "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you, ok?" "Ok!" they agree with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the first boy what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, **** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the remaining boy and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fxxxxxx Coco Pops."



> A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*#@ing beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?

[slinky]

GOOD STUFF lamo ''GOT ANY BREAD??''.

[slinky]

After 20 years of sex in the dark, wife discovers that husband has been using a (ann-summers toy......get my drift), she asks him to explain, he says '' i'll explain but you explain about the kids first!!''

[slinky]

Three fastest means of communication..................


1)tele-phone



2)Tele- vision

3)Tell-a-woman

..............even faster tell her not to tell anyone else.

[slinky]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't p11s out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[Busman747]

Two Women at the Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories
on how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the living room watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman hiding somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere.
Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be
alive.

[bobthedj]

Full set of encyclopeda's for sale, no need for them anymore since i got married, wife knows everything.