Joke Of The Day

[Bazf]

A woman gets a facelift for her 47th birthday. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and asks the sales clerk, “How old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” the clerk replies.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman says.
She then goes into McDonald’s and asks the cashier the same question.
“I’d guess about 29,” she says.
“Nope, I’m 47,” the woman replies.
Later, as she waits for the bus, she asks an old man the same question.
“I’m 78,” he says, “and my eyesight is starting to go. But when I was young, you could determine a woman’s age by putting your hand up her shirt and feeling her boobs.”
Curiosity getting the best of her, she says, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips his hand up her shirt and, after a few minutes, says, “You’re 47.”
“That’s amazing!” she says, stunned. “How did you know?”
“I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

[Bazf]

A husband and wife are eating dinner one night when the wife asks, “If I died, would you marry again?”
“Yes,” the husband says.
“Would you let her into my house?”
“Yes,” the husband says.
“Would she sleep in my bed?”
“Yes,” the husband says.
“And would she use my golf clubs?”
“Definitely not,” the husband says.
“Of all things, why not the clubs?”
“Because she’s left-handed.”

Sex education
Young Judith runs out to the backyard, where her father is chopping wood. She looks up at the hard-working parent, smiles, and asks: ‘Daddy, what is ‘sex’?’ Laying down his axe, the old-timer sits beside his daughter and starts to explain about the birds and the bees. Then he tells her about conception, sperm and eggs. Next he thinks, ‘What the hell – I might as well explain the whole works,’ and goes into great detail about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet dreams. Judith’s eyes bulge as her old man continues his lesson, moving on to masturbation, oral, anal and group sex, pornography, bestiality, dildos and homosexuality. Realizing he has probably gone too far, the father pauses and asks, ‘So, Judith, why do you want to know about sex?’ ‘Well,’ says the fresh-faced youngster. ‘Mummy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in a couple of secs.’

[Mick]

Four Worms and a Funeral

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:

First worm - dead

Second worm - dead.

Third worm - dead.

Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

[Less]

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "F*ck!"
Bad Skydiver: "F*************ck!!" "Whack!!"

[jason]

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.
When she found Joey she told him what was happening, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.

Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

[Mik Dickinson]

So the vice president of a company comes downstairs on his 43rd birthday.
No greetings from his wife or children.
Depressed he goes to work, no greetings from the gatekeeper.
He walks in to the office and his secretary wishes him a happy birthday with a kiss on the cheek.
He is overjoyed and when his secretary invites him for lunch he thinks he still has it
On reaching the restaurant it is fully booked but his secretary invites him back to her place.
When they are in the living room his secretary asks if he minds while she goes in to the bedroom?
No of course not he replies.
5 minutes later his wife, children, golf companion and more come out of the bedroom screaming happy birthday.
Only to find the vice president lying naked on the sofa

[Mik Dickinson]

Imagine you can have sex everyday for a year but only with a condom.
At the end of the year you melt all the condoms down and make a tyre out of them.

Q. What would the tyre be called?



A. A Good Year of course

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some
refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that
you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jim courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did. She said, " Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. She tells him that, since her
husband Bill works Friday afternoons and Jim doesn't, Jim should be at
her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp,
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed.Then Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat, Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. Jim came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!!!

Michael Jackson

[jason]

Originally Posted by Neil.

Michael Jackson

I almost keeled over with the laughter............................NOT........... .............too old that one!!

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[Mik Dickinson]

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said, "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse then said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

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I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But..... Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

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A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!", Replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdale's.

"Bloomingdale's?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdale's?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

[Bazf]

A man is sitting in the pub having a quiet pint when a gremlin comes in and asks for a half. He downs his drink quickly, then runs along the bar, sticks his head in the man’s pint and shakes it around. The man is bemused, but continues to drink as the gremlin returns to his seat. The little beastie orders a second and third half and after each one does exactly the same thing. The man finally loses his patience and grabs the gremlin by the scruff of the neck. ‘If you stick your head in my pint one more time, I’ll rip your dick off!’ shouts the angry drinker. ‘Ain’t got one,’ says the gremlin. The man looks confused. ‘If you haven’t got a cock, how do you ****?’ he asks the gremlin. ‘Like this,’ says the gremlin, and sticks his head in the man’s pint, shaking it around.’

[slinky]

There is a man and he only has one testicle, all his childhood everyone called him 'one stone'.

So this one day he thinks ''no more will they call me one stone and, the next person that does I will kill them I swear''.

A week goes by and he is walking through the town centre when, a girl comes up to him and says ''o right one stone long time no - see''!!!!
He thinks right, grabs her by the hair, drags her down the back alley and F***'s her til she is dead, he turns looks at her smugly and thinks 'told you I would'.

In time people stopped calling him this name, until 3 years later he was stood at a bar in town when a girl he knew from school came up chatting to him. She said '' God can you remember when people used to call you one stone??'', he turned to the girl, grabbed her by the hair, took her outside down a dark alley and started f'''ing her, she is moaning and groaning and moaning and groaning, this had gone on for 5 hours, by this time he was knackered and she still was NOT dead............

You know the moral to this story????????????????????????????????????????????? ?







YOU CAN'T KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE............................................. ..

[Sara]

Oh Slinky that's a good one.

[jason]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
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The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!