Joke Of The Day

[jason]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[jason]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[jason]

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

[Mik Dickinson]

A Canadian walks in to the garage and says to the mechanic his snow bike is not working properly.The mechanic takes a look and says it looks like you have blown a seal.
The Canadian rubs his moustache and says no thats just frost

[Tealeaf]

Don't get it...

[Ruud]

Were do baby cows go to eat lunch?
At the calf-eteria

[jason]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[jason]

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

lol

[IMY]

These made me laugh....

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The  father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts...

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a  bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."  
"Onions?"  "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well daughter, a man goes through three  phases...

In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

;D ;D

[jason]

;Dlol.....i like that

[Bagpuss]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to bathroom. If partner seen, shake knob at her making the 'Woo' sound.

3. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs. Admire size of knob in mirror scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth - don't use one.

5. Wash face and armpits. Wash privates and the surrounding area.

6. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap.

7. Crack up how loud farts sound in the shower.

8. Shampoo hair but don't use conditioner.

9. Make shampoo mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

10. Pee in shower.

11. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole time.

12. Partialy dry off. Look at self again, flex muscles and admire knob (again)

13. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on.

14. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, grab knob, go 'yeah baby' and thrust pelvis at her.

15. Put on yesterdays clothes.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If partner seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

4. Get in shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loafer, wide loafer and pumice stone.

5. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced Crocus Oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

9. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure its all come off.

10. Shave armpits and legs with partner's razor. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

11. Scream loudly when partner flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.

12. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.

13. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

14. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If partner seen, cover up any exposed areas then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

[Bagpuss]

If it really was a mans world...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
17. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and itwould work every time.
18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.
19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.
21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would settle any disagreements.
23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

[happyone]

SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR E-MAIL LIST.

I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is REALLY REALLY

important.

IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS.

THIS IS A SCAM. HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Signed,

The Blonde  

[lettie]

   A new fairy liquid advert is being filmed on Shadsworth estate.

 "Mummy, why are your hands so soft?"

 "For f***'s sake I'm only 14."   :-*

[janet]

nice one lettie. they can sing lullabys to each other, see who falls asleep first.