Joke Of The Day

[Sparkologist]

Here's a joke for you Royski. Remind you of the jukebox in the Hope & Anchor, does it?

I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice. That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943, at which time he lost his left arm. Capt. Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy.
They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader."
A bit contrived, I know... ...I'll get my coat.

[slinky]

A man had to show his grey hair to prove he could get pension.
His wife said to him, ''you should have showed you c''k and we could have got disability too''.

[JohnW]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their home. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Brazil. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Lancashire lass. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot food on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

[Sara]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood
as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend,
he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up
your trays that would be super".

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am
called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

[Len]

Sex with a NUN

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat.
The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,
"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him
that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to
the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the bus
driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery
and waits for the nun.
And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.

After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

[slinky]

Short but sweet.................................

Why is it men have there best ideas during sex??
Because there plugged into a bloody genius

[panther]

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room

[Mik Dickinson]

A women was reading an article in a magazine and infromed her husband that a bull makes love on average 700 times a year.To which the husband replied:-
Aye more than likely true love, but he does not s**/-g the same cow all the time!!!!

[Mik Dickinson]

How does an Essex girl keep her bum warm.
She pulls her knickers up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[Mick]

A Young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started
playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.The
pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

The golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are
you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee."

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

The golf pro nodded knowingly and said, "I was going to tell you, your stance is too wide."

[Sparkologist]

While doing a vasectomy, Doctor Kildeer slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" Doctor Kildeer asked.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems."
"What's that?" Doctor Kildeer asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."
"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.
"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn."
"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened.
"It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

[rincewind]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL of the pain to the father. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. This is amazing said the doctor, you are truly a man with a high tolerance for pain! When they got home however, the milkman was dead on the porch!

[Sparkologist]

A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through.
Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off. There's other people trying to get some sleep!"


From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister. She can't hear you!"

[Bazf]

A golfer is having trouble with his game so he goes to the pro and say's can you look at my swing and tell me whats wrong?
Ok says the pro, so off they go to the range and the Guy hits a driver a little off line but about 220yds.
"LOFT" says the pro.
So the guy gets a 5 iron and smacks it down the range.
"LOFT" says the pro.
Out comes the pitching wedge and he knocks it high in the sky.
"LOFT" says the pro.
"Now come on" says the golfer, "Ive tried 3 clubs and you keep saying loft what do you mean"?

Lack Of Fu*%i*g Talent says the pro.

[Sparkologist]

This one is a real gross-out!

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chilli.
The sight is shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."